Friend Bunny

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

A few years ago I happened to pass by my boyfriend’s phone when it was ringing and I saw a girl’s name appear on the screen. At 11pm. I then realised how often he took his phone with him into the bathroom or how he got text messages without spontaneously telling me who they were from. It was a painful period, and of course it turned out he had another girl in his life… Now they live together and I’m happy in my love life, but it still hurts when I’m thinking of it. The fighting, worrying, wondering. The lies.

Me and the guy broke up and moved on, but sometimes infidelity is just an interruption in an otherwise happy relationship. It’s most times hard or impossible to justify or understand, but if the life you have together is larger than a drunken incident or a moment of inhibitions, you might give love a chance.

Some advice, if you want to save your marriage or relationship, are:

-      Cheating is external: See the cheating as a big black demon coming into your relationship. It doesn’t matter who was responsible for the act; both of you are hurt and damaged; one is feeling betrayed and the other ashamed. But the problem is best treated if it’s seen as something outside of the relationship that both of you have to fight off, move on from and leave it behind.

-      No blame game: If you don’t see the cheating as a shared problem, the post cheating phase can easily turn into a blame game where you play “victim and criminal”. If you keep on dwelling the past, you will be trapped in the negative emotions and memories. If you spend your time and energy finding ways to be happy from now on, it will be easier to move on.

-      How to move on? This means it is important that you don’t try to find answers or explanations for what happened if there are no rational reasons. Human beings are not always acting smart and we don’t always act according to our values. Sometimes we get carried away and loose control. Only look at the answer to the question “why did it happen?” if you also answer “How can we prevent it from happening again? Accept that the dark demon came in to your life and that you want a brighter future. The good guys win.

-      A new promise: Trust is the key to move on. You need to promise each other that you want to be together full on. You want to love and be loved. You want to be a team – strong and happy together. Tell your partner what you like about your relationship and listen to them. Trust doesn’t come from “I will never do this again”, but from “I want to love YOU and create a good life together”. Cheating and infidelity is very selfish. It can’t be justified. The cheater hurts other people, and if you have children you betray them too. But if you and your spouse seriously want to fix things between you, you seriously have to let go of the past. Create a new contract between you. Sit down, hug and kiss, and make promises and plans around these areas:

-      What will make you feel loved?

-      How can I make you happy?

-      What can I do in my life or my own personal development to make our relationship happier?

-      Can we spend more time together, give more compliments, have more sex, go out more with friends etc…?

As a love coach I prefer to give you some more questions, rather than giving advice. The best advice comes from within you. When you are aware of your feelings and understand the situation, you will know what to do.

-      Can I choose to trust my loved one?

-      What do I need (words, promises, attitude, new routines) to be able to trust my partner?

-      Can I get that?

-      If I can’t get it, can I still trust?

-      What does my partner need from me to feel happy in the relationship?

Bitterness and grief is a choice. Happiness and moving on is another. It’s up to you. Yes, it is that easy.

More on: http://infidelitycheatingadvice.blogspot.com

Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free and see the stunning performance of Julia Roberts in her role as the famous Elizabeth Gilbert. Based on the true story of Elizabeth Gilbert through the original book of her memoirs, Eat, Pray Love is the journey of one woman as she travels around the world in an attempt to find the meaning of life and discover her own true identity.

Happily married and trying for a baby Elizabeth Gilbert is far from unhappy. On top of that she also has her own home and a successful career. However, one day she realises her whole life has been nothing but a string of boyfriends and she has never had two minutes to be herself. Elizabeth sets off around the world after going through a painful divorce to regain her lost identity.

Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free to see one of the most heart felt and gripping drama movies of the year as she travels from Italy to India and finally to Bali. In Italy she discovers the true pleasure of eating, in India she learns the meaning of prayer and finally in Bali she discovers love and it’s true harmony.

Check out the trailer online right now if you have yet to Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free. When you Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free trailer you will quickly see why so many people are already trying to Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free right now. Due for release on the 12th August 2010 many people will have to wait for a few months yet before they can Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free. However, you can always Watch Eat, Pray, Love Online Free trailers while you wait.

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Are you afraid of being rejected?
Do you fear getting hurt when being involved with someone?
Are you scared of saying or doing the wrong thing on a date?
Do you fear letting go of your freedom as a single?

Well, you’re not alone. Sometimes I get the feeling that singles look at dating and flirting as a horror movie. Most people I meet in my job as a love coach are deep down so scared that they start acting weird – and therefore stay single.

To be successful, find true love and live happily ever after, you need to embrace the fear and go for it anyway. Even the bravest of the brave feel fear, but the key to their courage is that they don’t fear stop them! They feel the tingling in their bellies and they still do whatever they are afraid of.

Three things singles do out of fear and what you can do to handle it better.

1. You date many at the same time. It gives you a feeling of having a big safety net to fall in if one of the people you are seeing dumps you. But if you deep down assume you will be dumped, that is likely to happen, so expect instead success – and reach success. Dare to focus on one person and do your best. You are much more attractive when you’re committed and concentrated on one person.  

2. You don’t date at all or finish every time it’s heating up or they want to meet you irl. This keeps you away from getting the emotions that could be strong both up and down. Stop being such a coward and get out there! You won’t find the love of your life in your apartment. Think: “What is the worst thing that can happen? Can I live with that?” And then think: “What is the best thing that can happen? Do I want that?”

3. You find faults in everyone you meet or don’t believe in true love. Being bitter and picky keeps you away from true love where you yourself can be judged. Realize there is no such thing as a perfect person. No person will ever be 100 % – not even you… If you’re open for 85 % partners you can find a true relationship instead of being single. It is not about taking Second best; it’s about choosing to fall in love instead of being alone and waiting.

Other things we also do out of fear: We only date people who are “impossible”, like too young, already married or over seas; we stop having feelings for anyone at all or we scare people away, being clingy and desperate. In short, we sabotage for ourselves when we don´t have faith. But dear single, you should trust love! Fear is a part of life. It’s natural to be scared of new things. You put your heart out there, and it could be dangerous so I’m not telling you to stop being scared – I’m telling you to accept the fear and do what you want anyway!

If you keep doing what you do today, you will get what you have today – not more. So loooove the scary parts of dating. Go for even more blind dates – and realise it wasn´t that bad after all! Tell more people you like them! Commit and get involved. Find true love. Feel alive! You will love it.

More info: www.howtofindtrueloveadvice.com

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Dr. Burke Ryan is “A-Okay” in life, at least that is what he tells his audience. A self-help guru, Burke’s career is rapidly taking off as he teaches others how to be “A-Okay” despite pain and loss. Only one problem, Burke has never fully digested the experience of his own loss. And, until Love Happens, he is woefully out of integrity, something he desperately needs to resolve, if love is ever going to happen in his life at all.

Why is Burke out of integrity? How do any of us end up out of integrity in life? Usually, the process happens gradually. Often the decision to go out of integrity is made through a misguided attempt to survive when basic childhood needs are not met in life. That’s what David Gruder, Ph.D. asserts in his book The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships, and Our World. As children, he states, we all have certain needs that include: a need to cuddle, to feel validated, to learn how to handle painful experiences well, and to understand the value of the word “no,” so we know how to set boundaries and learn to respect our limitations. But, when we don’t receive these, we move through life feeling increasingly dis-integrated, or out of connection, with ourselves, others, and the world around us.

Though we have no understanding of Burke’s childhood in the film Love Happens, obviously, like most people, something has happened that has led him to adopt a pattern of deception over the course of his life. Gruder relates childhood incidents that typically lead us away from choosing integrity (or wholeness) as follows:

Gruder’s List of Childhood Traumas.

Being intruded upon or violated by others.

Being abandoned and left to sort out life or make it through life on our own.

Being indulged in such a way we didn’t have to take responsibility for ourselves because someone else, or something else, took the blame for us.

Others stealing the attention from us so our pain or talents are not validated.

All these disintegrating experiences lead to feeling disconnected. To survive these horrible feelings we tend to adopt the following survival methods.

Gruder’s List of Ways We Attempt to Survive Trauma and Disconnection

Manufacture a Happy Ending Fantasy to give us hope and help us feel safe, connected, and accepted by others despite what has happened in our lives.

Create Rules to follow to help your happy ending fantasy come true.

Build a Pandora’s Box where you put everything (good and bad) that you feel other’s won’t accept, along with all your undigested pain in life.

Create a Mask of an acceptable self-image that others can relate to, and hope they won’t suspect you have a Pandora’s Box, or want to know what is inside of it.

Use Anesthesias (like drugs, alcohol, comfort food, etc.) to numb out your pain.

Certainly in the film Love Happens we see Burke using most of these ways to cope. To begin with he is often seen numbing out his pain with alcohol. Then he creates a happy ending fantasy about his wife’s death that isn’t true. To cope with her loss he creates rules that he gives himself and others of how to cope and be “A-Okay” in life. Though he is encouraging others to open up their Pandora’s Box and confront their pain and shame, he has yet to fully open up his own. All of this leads him to develop a public mask that begins to crack throughout the film. It cracks in part because he can’t live with his own inner shame, but also because he feels safe at last to reveal his true self due to the love extended to him by others.

Burke discovers then what Gruder reveals, that adopting the above survival methods don’t help us at all. They only lead to a greater lack of integrity in our lives. How to really integrate, become whole, and recover? Take the transformational route instead (what Gruder calls the adult path of development). Then Love Happens because we have allowed life’s wake-up calls (accidents, sudden successes, illnesses, heart-breaks, life changes, transcendent experiences) to help us cultivate the following:

Gruder’s Seven WisePassions, or “all-purpose life skills.”

Teachability (a willingness to learn what you need to from life).

Self Care (learning ways to truly care for yourself).

Discernment (knowing what does and does not lead to integrity and wholeness).

Harvesting (the past and integrating it into the present in a healthy way).

Power (cultivated in such a way you can use your gifts fully in service to others).

Synergy (knowing how to work cooperatively with others for the greater good).

Stewardship (discovering how you can use whatever you acquire to help bring
greater integrity and wholeness to yourself and those around you).

Fortunately, Burke finally becomes teachable (in the same way he helps to teach others). And, as he floods himself with compassion, and accepts compassion from others, he discovers how to better take care of himself. Through discernment over what was, and was not, his fault in his wife’s death, he is able to let go of maladaptive behaviors that cause him to avoid his pain, or lead him to punish himself unfairly. By at last taking time to harvest the lessons from his past, he is released into greater power to do good, allowing him to help people feel truly “A-Okay” in life. And, finally healed, he no longer pushes away people who both love him, and can synergize with him to help him accomplish what he is meant to in the world. The end result? As Love Happens and Burke comes into integrity, it appears as if he will be someone capable of making a real difference in the lives of others. In short, he is more likely to be a good steward of the potential gifts that may be coming his way from this point forward.

As for us and the areas we are out of integrity? We can also follow the steps Burke goes through and Gruder recommends. We don’t have to build up layer after layer of lies, hiding the truth from ourselves and others in an attempt to survive. With compassion and love something else can happen. We can be freed into integrity and wholeness. We can be freed to love and be loved.

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NOTE: This article is Copyrighted as of 2009 by LoveMovies! All Rights Reserved

I have a post card on my wall at home saying: “You need to have a dream to have a dream come true.” These words help me lift my thoughts above the small entanglements I meet in my everyday life and think about where I really want to go, in the long run. It makes me smile, and to keep my hope up. It gives strength to keep on walking.

Dreams are important. It wasn’t before I defined my dream of a close and long term relationship that I could lift my head above those casual flings with tourists, toy boys or “cruel but hot” men and find my lovely partner. When I defined my dream about what kind of love life I wanted, I saw what was really important to me and I started looking in the right direction. Not wasting another minute on the wrong boys.

I want you to have a great love life too! I want you to feel passion, butterflies and harmony – with a new partner or the one you’re with now. I know you can! By turning your thoughts around a bit, you can get there in no time.

To reach your goal you need to have a goal. You need to see that bright future in front of you and drool.

Unfortunately, many people are today stuck in status quo (like unwanted singledom or unhappy relationships) because they have neither a stick nor a carrot to motivate them to move in any direction.

On one hand there is no longer a stick in the shape of a strong culture telling us that we have to settle. It is considered totally ok to be single no matter how old you are; it is even seen as cool and trendy. Your mum might be asking the itchy question “so when will I get grand children”, but we are individualistic enough to say “so what” and live as we please anyway. And since both men and women work and educate themselves nowadays, we don’t have to pair up to survive. Hence, there is nothing strongly pushing us towards a relationship.

On the other hand there is no longer a carrot in the shape of a clear dream of how life should be. In a world filled with divorces, dramas, a myriad of life styles to choose from, we don’t really know what love is. Is that the stuff they show in the movies? Is it my mate’s booooring 2 kids-and a mortgage-life or my dad’s fourth marriage? Who knows? When we were 17 it was all innocent and pretty. At 30 we are all confused.

It is natural to be a bit afraid of getting rejected and hurt. If you fall for someone there is a risk of loosing. You might be hurt, humiliated or wounded. There might be entanglements. This is relevant for those who already are attached, but have problems letting go totally.

If we were super motivated to go for a true love and a relationship we would overcome the fear, but since there is no stick and no carrot pushing us, many stay where they are, not strongly motivated to move an inch.

To find true love you have to want it so much you don’t care about the risks. You may be terrified, but you want it so much you just throw yourself out there, head first.

Are you that motivated? I mean, do you really want it – that close, deep relationship that makes you a part of a team, sharing ups and downs with someone? Most singles I meet don’t have a clue about where they are going. They just keep on “hunting”, being more focused on looking than finding. More into the pursuit than the happiness. Or they just live next to their partner, not knowing where they are going or where.

I know a lot of people crave true “love”, but I also know through coaching hundreds of singles, that very many are not really sure of what that “love” is. They want it because they are supposed to want, because the hunt is fun or because they deep inside miss something. But since the Dream is so unclear, they keep falling into traps all the time. Dating the wrong type of people. Being too scared to ask. Ruining growing relationships with dramas.

Find a big, big piece of paper and put it in front of you. Make sure you have glue, pens, scissors and a stash of magazines and news papers. 
Put on some nice relaxing music and close your eyes for a while. Remember times in your life when you were really happy. Remember people you love and loved. Think about friends who are in happy relationships. Find out what makes you smile and sparkle.
Now open your eyes and get to work. Define your dream relationship using your tools. Choose pictures in the mags and glue them on to the paper. Write important words about for example: How you feel
How you make your partner feel
What you do together
Who you spend time with
Your energy
How you communicate
What is important

Put the paper in a place where you can see it clearly every day. This is where you are going! This is your dream.
Say out loud: “My dream is to have a relationship that is…(whatever you have defined) I will now be true to my heart and have the courage to move towards my dream. Now that I have a dream my dream will come true.”

Now you will be more focused and naturally brave. You know what you want and deserve, so you act, think and behave in this direction, towards true love. You flirt with people who have great values instead of just great biceps. You hold your head, and not just your heals, high. You have a different look, a more honest smile. You ask for more, and more will be given to you. It’s not magic at all. It is you creating your own, better future. You are adapting to your new life, and through that adapting you make it happen.

So do the Dream exercise and bring on that happy love life! Why live another day without true love, when you can easily get it? When you have a dream, you can have your dream come true. Sweet dreams! 

It’s a lovely idea to spend a whole day worshipping love, taking loved ones out for dinners and buy teddy bears with cute messages. Valentine’s gives us an opportunity to celebrate our relationships.

But what about the other 364 days of the year?

Let this years Valentine celebration be a starting point for a refreshed, rejuvenated and remarkable relationship. Love and relationship coach Carolin Dahlman is helping people fall in love and stay in love, through one on one coaching. These are her tips on how to find love in your relationship, beyond Valentine’s.

 1.      Find out how your partner wants to be loved.

We are all different and have different needs. Most times we tend to give love in the way we would like to receive it. If you like to be touched, you are more likely to touch your partner. But what if he or she rather wants a compliment? Ask how your loved one wants to be pampered with love. How can you make them feel good? And then start giving every day… Don’t forget to share what would make you happy as well! 

2.      Take time to work on the relationship.

Great relationships don’t just happen. You may think that love conquers all, but why not give it a hand. Give love space in the clutter of evening classes, dishes, parental duties and shopping. Make a habit of spending just 5 minutes giving each other full attention and a kiss every morning or evening. Have a special “love time” booked in every week, when you feel the love and give, give, give.

 3.      Do not litter.

A lot of couple uses each other as bins for their emotional garbage. You had a bad day and your partner becomes the victim of your grumpy mood. Be careful with your littering. Your energy is contagious and your partner gets affected by you. Stop complaining, criticising or pushing. Be aware of this and start spreading positive energy. Love with your heart.  

 4.      Focus on being happy.

If you are happy, your relationship will bloom. Take responsibility for your needs. Make your voice heard if you feel something is not right, instead of giving silent treatments or such. Figure out what is important to you, to make you feel great and be a loving and happy person to be and live with, and start meeting those needs. Exercise, meditation, time alone, time with your friends? Make sure your partner understands the importance of you getting this. 

5.      Be grateful for being loved.

You are in a beautiful relationship and you have a partner. You are a team. You are friends. You are each others rock, passion and inspiration. Our minds are creating our feelings. If you think of all your partner’s faults and flaws, you will feel miserable. If you think of all the fabulous traits and how happy you are for having this person in your life, you will feel the love. Your head has limited space, so fill it with positive thoughts and you will enjoy your relationship more.

Valentine’s vows

On that romantic moment you share on the 14th of February, why not take the opportunity to promise each other a year of love, and not just a day. Promise each other to make effort and build a relationship that gives you energy and happiness in your everyday life.

 How can love live without the candle light dinner:

I promise you that I will ………………………………..

I would be happy if you could …………………………

For more info and relationship advice www.coaching2love.com

Have you ever wanted to find a love that lasts a lifetime and to be loved no matter what? If so, you may hope it will happen like a lightning strike bringing you instant and eternal love. But enduring love doesn’t usually happen this way. As Allie and Noah reveal in The Notebook, it takes a lot more to stay with a relationship through thick and thin to experience and enjoy a true and lasting love.

Allie and Noah begin their relationship as many couples do, full of passion and feeling for one another. Then, like many couples, they go through a series of challenging trials that force them to discover if what they feel for each other is more than just infatuation. Over time, and after many trials, they learn the skills that help their love to last. Because of this their love even lasts until the end of their lives.

In our modern era when so many relationships end in divorce, heartache, and frustration, is it even possible to find a love like Allie and Noah experience? Is it possible to have a love that not only lasts, but even deepens through time? Fortunately, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks offer help. Best-selling authors, they have counseled thousands of couples, and have experienced a lasting love themselves. Especially in their book Lasting Love, they provide insights for creating an enduring love by following five key steps.

Hendricks’ Tips for Lasting Love

* Become a master of commitment

* Be emotionally transparent

* Avoid blame and criticism

* Value creativity

* Learn the power of appreciation

The Hendricks’ insights begin with the importance of becoming a “master of commitment.” If you truly want something you need to make a commitment for it to happen giving you the will to nurture it in both good times and bad. If you don’t know what you want, or you don’t sustain your commitment, the potential for lasting love is certain to become the pain of lost love. Allie and Noah provide ample evidence of how a true commitment works. Given the misunderstandings, social pressures, personality conflicts, financial and health pressures, their relationship would have broken and never been recovered if they had not had a strong commitment to make it work regardless.

Sadly, many couples do not understand how to make a real commitment. Too often one partner makes a strong commitment and the other does not the Hendricks reveal. Unconscious commitments, where one, or both, parties are more committed to something else, can also interfere. With Allie in the film, her unconscious commitment to please her parents causes her to sacrifice being with the man she really loves. Only as Allie and Noah make a whole-hearted commitment to the relationship can it begin to really work well. Maybe so many people are deeply moved by The Notebook precisely because they hunger for what a healthy commitment can bring them in their lives as well.

The Hendricks’ second insight speaks to your capacity to be emotionally transparent. This requires an ability to understand and communicate what you are feeling honestly and respectfully to your partner. Both Allie and Noah have this skill. They fight frequently, but this ultimately strengthens their relationship because they are challenging each other to be authentic in everything they think, feel, say and do. This honesty creates a level of aliveness that deepens their capacity for intimacy and nourishes the trust and love between them.

The third key insight the Hendricks’ share is the importance of avoiding blame and criticism. In The Notebook there is heartbreak, betrayal and loss opening seemingly justifiable doors for blame and criticism. But while so many movies with similar themes allow their characters to slip into vengeance, bitterness, or cynicism, all the characters in The Notebook portray something much more positive. They own responsibility for their actions and practice empathy for others. Even the character Lon, who has plenty of reason to feel betrayed, avoids blame and criticism – of himself, Allie or Noah – as his own dream of love is crushed.

The fourth Hendricks’ insight is that creativity fuels long lasting relationships. Watched carefully, you will see how important this element is in the film. Noah releases Allie’s creative drive to play the piano, paint, and write the “notebook” itself. And Allie inspires Noah to build. Without creativity relationships become stale and the couple is likely to descend into complaint and despair. Without creativity deep levels of yourself remain unseen and malnourished. By helping each other be creative, couples keep their relationships alive and well.

Finally, the fifth key insight of the Hendricks’ is the value of becoming a master of verbal and non-verbal appreciation. In The Notebook, the words, gestures, and actions of Noah and Allie, especially in their later years, reveal a deep level of tenderness and love between them. Despite the extraordinary challenges they face and overcome, their love endures to the end. They use appreciation to enhance the positive energy in their relationship creating an atmosphere of feeling valued and loved on a daily basis. Using this step, and the other four insights the Hendricks share and the film reveals, you can create a lasting love and finally experience, or maintain, the loving relationship you have been yearning for.

IMPORTANT NOTE

This article is Copyrighted as of 2009 by LoveMovies! All Rights Reserved.
Written by Dr. Lisa Love.

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