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Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

My heart is broken when couples are going through difficult times, especially when children are involved. I know what it’s like to be in an unhappy marriage that looks more like a heavy weight boxing match than two people joined together in holy matrimony. I watched my parents go through a very ugly divorce and see my dad rolled into the ambulance after my mom shot him 5 times. I vowed that this would not be the kind of unhappy marriage that I would have. I’m happy to say that my honey and I are going on 27 years strong and I think we will make it at least another 100 years. But enough about my life because I know you are looking for help to make your unhappy marriage better.

There are many issues that couples deal with in a marriage with some of the big ones being conflict, anger, abandonment, lack of trust and respect, finances, lack of commitment, lack of intimacy, infidelity and communication. Any and all of these issues can lead to an unhappy marriage. Some marriages don’t even survive with one of these problems. If 2 or 3 of these exist in a marriage look out because the unhappy marriage could end quickly in divorce.

One of the great things about life is that every person and for that matter every marriage is unique. There are marriages that appear on the outside to be happy but if you really knew the truth you would be shocked. That’s why we sometimes hear about couples separating or getting divorced and say “wow I didn’t know they had an unhappy marriage”. So what gives?

Let’s take a closer look at 2 factors affecting an unhappy marriage.

I have narrowed it down to selfishness and lack of love for the reasons over 50 % of the marriages in America end up in divorce. These issues are what lead to an unhappy marriage. Are these the only 2 issues? No, but they are the important ones.

If you dig deeper into the unhappy marriage problems like conflict, anger, abandonment, lack of trust and respect, finances, lack of commitment, lack of intimacy, infidelity and communication I guarantee that you will find one or both spouses acting in a selfish manner an/or not truly loving their spouse. Thus you end up with an unhappy marriage.

If you have been married for a little while (like more than 6 months) you probably have started to see some of these issues in your marriage. You may be wondering if you made the right decision marrying your spouse because you don’t want an unhappy marriage. If you haven’t faced any major issues yet I congratulate you but don’t celebrate too soon. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have to deal with some issues down the road.

Let’s examine the love that is missing in a lot of marriages that are unhappy.

I’m not talking about surface love or physical attraction sometimes misunderstood as love. This kind of love can fade away quickly because once complacency sets in some people get distracted and attracted to someone else. This can lead to an unhappy marriage quickly.

A lot of unhappy marriages are missing the true love potion of patience, kindness, trust, humility, respect, forgiveness, honesty and forgetfulness. This is more in the way of unconditional love where spouses actually honor their wedding vows to stick it out through thick and thin. To honor and cherish one another until death do they part! A lot of couples don’t wait long enough to realize that if they just stick together and depend on each other to work through their problems the unhappy marriage can turn into a great marriage. The key is to not just say you love each other but have your actions illustrate your love.

Does it mean that if you love your spouse with this kind of love you will never have issues to overcome in your marriage? Of course not! However, do you think you have a better shot of having a happy or unhappy marriage if true love exists instead of surface love?

Now about the selfishness in marriage and how it makes for an unhappy marriage.

To put it politely selfishness is at the core of sinking marriages. It is extremely difficult for a selfish person to set aside their own needs or desires to make the marriage all it was intended to be. It’s hard for one spouse to give 110% of all they have to the marriage while the selfish person is willing to give less than 50%. There needs to be a balance of putting ones spouse’s interest ahead of your own. A selfish person has a hard time doing this and sometimes looks out for themselves. The more the commitment is out of balance the more you will have an unhappy marriage situation.

It is true that an unselfish person can also make a marriage unhappy. However, I think you will find healthier and more successful marriages when both spouses are unselfish. A little less successful marriage will be when one of the spouses is unselfish. When two selfish people marry each other and refuse to grow or change you will have an unhappy marriage.

To improve your marriage and take it from an unhappy marriage to a happy one, work on building true love and respect for one another. Along the way you also need to make sure selfishness is being purged out of your marriage. The relationship will grow in leaps and bounds when you work on these simple but critical issues. You will not end up in an unhappy marriage and divorce court.

“All things were created by Him and for Him…and in Him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:16b-17a). Having a successful marriage first requires you to understand what God had in mind for marriage. After all, If you want to understand the purpose behind an invention, you consult the One who invented it, right!

Since marriage is God’s creation, He is in the saving marriages business. God created marriage for three very specific reasons, just like He created you, for very specific reasons. Our lives are more satisfying when we cooperate with God in fulfilling our purposes. Marriage is no exception…

First, you’ve probably learned that men and women were made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-27). But, did you know that within the marriage relationship husbands and wives also bear the image of God? They do this by demonstrating love and faithfulness to each other…like God does with us. You see, God covenants with His people, husbands and wives covenant to each other and God. So marriage was created to reflect God’s faithfulness in the world.

The second reason God created marriage was to meet human needs. Needs for food, shelter and clothing as well as needs for love, acceptance, intimacy, and faithfulness. In that way marriage is a picture to the world of how God provides for His people.

Marriage is God’s conduit for love. It was designed to be a safe harbor where a man and a woman could be totally naked and unashamed. A place where they could experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through each other.

Third, marriage is one of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in the earth. He commanded men and women to go forth and multiply, be fruitful and take dominion over the earth(Genesis 1:28).
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to do as God commanded when you are at odds with your spouse. Conflict drains our emotional and creative energies. Sadly, many husbands and wives feel like they are sleeping with the enemy instead of with their comrade in arms.

Marriage was designed with unity in mind. When a husband and wife are on the same page, so to speak, they are reflecting the unity of the Godhead. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Unity is so important that Jesus told us it would be a great sign to the world testifying that He truly is the Son of God (John 17:23).

Okay, now you have the general idea God had in mind when He designed marriage, but saving marriage requires a plan.

First, you need to decide, once and for all, are you going to commit to honoring God through your marriage. Are you going to do it God’s way? Are you going to trust His word, His plan and His design? If you answered yes, let’s move on…

If you’re making a plan to improve or save your marriage you need to start out on the right foot. That means getting right with God and your spouse first! To get right requires humility. It requires taking responsibility for the negative, sinful things you have contributed to your marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your spouse.

Confession of sin can be a turning point in our lives. It means we are in agreement with God about our sin and we are choosing to turn away from it. When we do this, God’s word promises to give us the power to accomplish that. Some of the things you may want to consider confessing are: the ways in which you have not trusted and honored God, the ways you have not obeyed His word, the consequences of your choices to you, your spouse and your marriage.

Exercising humility is a crucial part of any saving marriages plan. Making confession of sin a regular part of your marriage will keep you humble and help to maintain emotional intimacy. Apologies go a long way in keeping our hearts pliable and loving towards our spouse and God.

The next step in the saving marriages blueprint is making a plan for knowing your spouse’s most important needs. You also must become intentional about meeting those needs. Your spouse will feel more connected and in love with you when you are meeting his/her most important emotional needs.

Regular prayer is necessary for a successful marriage. Pray that God would show His love and faithfulness to your spouse through you. Prayer is how we experience the personal relationship we have with God through Christ. It is also where we avail ourselves to the grace of God. Therefore, your plan for saving marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse and your ability to love them.

A marriage that reflects God’s image is a safe marriage. God is our refuge, therefore your marriage should be a refuge for both you and your spouse. A safe relationship is one where both husband and wife feel accepted even if there are disagreements. A plan for saving marriages needs to include a plan for safety. Neither spouse should ever have to worry about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!

That’s why a plan for saving marriages must address conflict. Your marriage can be free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and defensiveness. It’s your choice! It can be a place where you are quick to take responsibility for your own actions and slow to point your finger of blame. It is not, however, a marriage that is free from conflict. But, yours can be a marriage where both parties fight fair.

Finally, your saving marriages plan needs to include specific goals, goals that are written down. After all, God wrote down His plan…we call it the Bible! Isn’t that a good enough reason for you to write down your plan for your marriage. Written goals are powerful. They help move a plan into motion.

Keep in mind, your goals need to be consistent with God’s purpose for your marriage. Your goals will help you stay on track and give more purpose, meaning and direction to your marriage and family life. You may want to have goals in the following areas: Spiritual (we will study and pray together regularly), parenting (we will always be unified when disciplining the children), finances ( we will decide on a budget and stick to it), health (we will exercise regularly and eat right), communication (we will speak lovingly and respectfully to one another).

Well, that should be enough to get you started developing your own personal saving marriages plan. Remember, the Creator of marriage is in the business of saving marriages. Put your hope in the Lord for with Him is unfailing love and full redemption (Psalm 130:7).

WHAT MARRIAGE IS NOT…

Marriage is not another life.
Marriage is not leaving God in the lurch
Marriage is not a union of two equal partners
Marriage is not about being persistent
Marriage is not what your mother or father told you
Marriage is not an affair or guess work
Marriage is not an escape route or to change your negative self image
Marriage is not for comparison.

It is commonly believed that a man with solution never tells you things that are convenient for you. A successful day is born in a night time; a successful marriage needs to be planned for and the plans worked at because failing to plan is planning to fail while failing to implement the plans is worst than a night mare.

For a marriage to be really successful, the two people involved must put in their best. Marriage is a holy institution ordained by God. It is said to be the only game where both partners either win or loose.

Marriage is not another life:There should be no pretence in marriage, you are either in the union or you are not in it. There is no sitting on the fence about it. You still are your very self, you have not changed because you got married so don’t look at yourself as a foreigner that doesn’t even understand the foreign land he is visiting. What changed is your status not yourself; what changed is your name not your dreams, what changed is your location (if you moved from where you were residing before) not your aspirations. Don’t go about acting funny and strange because you got married, if you become a stranger to yourself, it will take you a while before you come to term with this stranger and that time of studying your “new self” should have been allotted to something more useful. You are still you and living the life God gave you, marriage doesn’t change that.

Marriage is not leaving God in the lurch:God is the vital part of your marriage because He is the Party that completed the third side of the triangle that represents marriage. Leaving Him out is signing for outright failure. He instituted marriage, He knows the ingredients to blend and it will come out sweet. When you don’t love God, you lust for evil, when your love for God reduces, your taste for evil increases. More of God in your marriage will result to less of self; make your home all of God and none of self so your union will be blissful. Adam failed because he accepted self that Satan offered him thereby rejecting God, when a man backs God, he faces wilderness even in his marriage.

Marriage is not a union of two equal partners:Christ is the Head of the man and the man is the head of the woman in marriage. The woman is taken from the man’s side, made from his ribs close to his heart to be loved and close to his arms to be protected. There is no human being that has two heads so a home shouldn’t have two heads. The woman is not taken from the man’s head to be above him neither his legs to be trampled upon. They are not equal, if you enter marriage with the concept that you are equal partners then you have been misguided. You are not opposite of each other rather you complement each other with the higher percentage coming from the man, never forget this.

Marriage is not about being persistent:There should be flexibility in marriage, don’t make hard and fast rules that cannot be bent; that is they are either obeyed or broken no bending! In as much as there should be integrity and serious mindedness, there should equally be room for flexibility and relaxation. Try not to be unreasonable. For instance, you may have made a rule that none of the parties involved should disburse funds without the other’s knowledge and one of you was pressed to do something with money and actually did so before coming to inform you, listen to him/her first before flaring up. If it was for a just cause, you don’t need to react negatively; you don’t need to be insistent on the rule you agreed upon. Be flexible even amidst the laid down rules and principles.

Marriage is not what your mother or father told you:Marriage is a union between two people; it is what both of you make out of it. The only other Being permitted to be part of the union for it to work out well is God. Don’t carry the negative stories your mother or father (as the case may be) told you or painted for you about marriage to your union. Whatever they told you was their experience and not a yardstick for measuring a successful or otherwise marriage. This journey is what you should embark on with only God as your teacher, guide and counselor, any other suggestion or counsel that is against God’s word is coming from an intruder, it doesn’t matter who is giving it, he/she is an intruder so just accept their counsel and treat it like a gum-chew it and spit it out, never swallow it. You married a child of God, made in His Image, a child of destiny, an heir to the Monarch of the universe; don’t reduce him/her to a commoner because of the negative experiences your parents told you of. Remember your joy, happiness, success in life and marriage is your sole responsibility, nobody has that luxurious ability to make your marriage a success except you. Remember it is better to work on your marriage and get it working than leaving it and going into another one for you may still encounter same challenges in that second one.

Marriage is not an affair:Marriage is a union between two matured minds- a man and a woman not between a boy and a girl, two men or two women; God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden not Abigail and Eve or Adam and Steve as one preacher puts it. Marriage is not an affair it is a union of responsibility designed for companionship, fulfilling each other’s divine destiny, serving God better and giving your children the divine blue prints for their lives. It is not a trial and error business; it is God’s plan for man not man’s plan for himself so it is and should be treated as a serious relationship not an affair for meeting the insatiable needs of man. Watch your words and actions in this union, weigh them with God’s principles found in the Scriptures, God has a lot of interest in this relationship. It is not a guessing game; it is a union where both parties are responsible and committed to the course of making the union successful. Remember this is the only relationship that was likened to Christ relationship with the church; the church is always referred to as the bride of Christ and men were told to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

Marriage is not an escape route:You don’t get married because you want to escape from your parents, siblings or even yourself. It is not because you want to change your negative self image neither is it because you want to escape from an unhappy home, responsibilities or challenges at home. If you marry for the wrong reasons, you will end up enduring your marriage instead of enjoying it for marriage is meant to be enjoyed not to be endured. Plan your life in a way that you won’t be looking for escape route from yourself or people around you. Add virtue to yourself and when you do, you will definitely attract people who will value you as well, those who will recognize your worth and respect you for it. It is your sole responsibility to make yourself happy and worthy to be appreciated, no man will place value on you not even your spouse if you devalue yourself. Don’t debase yourself thinking “someday I will get married and it will be all over”. Marriage won’t end your pains and sorrows if you didn’t deliberately I mean consciously worked towards a life free from sorrows and pains. Believe this: marriage can even add to your problems if you step into it with the wrong mindset, wrong orientation and wrong footing.

Marriage is not for comparison:You are not getting married to change your spouse by comparing him/her to other fellows for any reason at all. If there is anybody that needs to change in that union, it should be you. What concept do you have of your union and your spouse? What picture do you have of your partner and your union inside of you? Always have and keep the correct picture of your partner and union because he/she will always live up to your expectations and pictures of him/her. Comparison is a game for fools and nobody wins in this game. You are all different entities on different missions and assignments so there should be no basis for comparison. Don’t compare your spouse to this fellow or that fellow. Allow him/her be who he/she is created to be.

Now marriage is…

Having someone to curl up with when the whole world seems cold and life uncertain.

It is wrapping wrinkled knees in warm blankets and giggling without teeth.

It is looking into your spouse’s eyes and see that you mattered.

It is a union for people bound to be united.

It is marrying your heartthrob not for how he/she looks or how talented he/she is but for love.

Marriage is hope fulfilled and dreams come true.

Save My Marriage Today – Save My Marriage Today Review – Save My Marriage Today Book

Save My Marriage Today is unarguably one of the best guides available as a major resource for those that are interested in tackling the problems they are experiencing in their marriages and relationships. Save My Marriage Today has helped in repairing and fixing up failing and broken marriages and relationships of thousands of people from all over the woeld as attested to by many testimonials pouring in daily. It is simply a practical and comprehensive guide written with an easy to follow instructions.

No matter how much you are in love with someone, no relationship or marriage will survive without communication. Save My Marriage Today as written by Amy Waterman will teach you the simple and insightful ways that you can use to save your marriage starting from today.

There are many websites on the Internet that promise to save your marriage but many of these guides do not work since they do not understand the way marriages work. Save My Marriage Today is a program that is written by Amy Waterman who has extensive experience in this field and she understands exactly what can go wrong in a marriage and how to correct these problems. Save My Marriage Today helps you understand ways you can save your marriage by following her steps. Many of them are not known by many people. These steps are effective and they can help you mend a broken marriage and make you and your partner fall in love all over again. If your partner doesn’t respect you, then Amy Waterman can help you understand how to win back the respect of your partner by following her easy steps.

Can I still save my marriage? Yes, you can still save your marriage. The book “Save My Marriage today” will show you exactly what to do and how to do it. All that you need is what you have “determination”. Your determination to save your marriage coupled with the guidelines in this book, you will see a very sharp turn in your marriage. Your marriage will rise from the pits of hell and head back to heaven. There is a 100% satisfaction guaranteed. There have been lots of people who have used the methods proffered in the book and they have come back with great testimonies.

This book will show you how to change to get the change you want to see in your marriage. The truth is, if things must change in your marriage, you must first learn to change the way you see and do things. This is a pre-requisite to bringing your marriage back to its feet. Forget about what people have said, most of the rules of this book are unconventional. However, you owe it to yourself to try new things in order to see new and amazing things in your marriage. It may be hard but if you must save your marriage, you must be ready to shun the so called “conventional”.

What are you waiting for? Save your marriage today, get a copy of the book “Save my marriage today” and learn how to revive the love your spouse once had for you. That love is still there, it only went to sleep. It can be revived and this is what you will be shown in the book “Save My Marriage”. Remember your vows at the altar; let the contents of this book take your marriage from the depths of hell back to the heights of heaven.

Trial Marriage – Alternative urban white-collar love

Trial marriage, with the only difference is that most couples do not apply for marriage registration, the lack of a “by a passed hand,” “trial marriage” concept, first by a U.S. judge in this century put forward by At that time.

Caused uproar in the community. The early 80s, that with the sharp rise in divorce rates and the Western concept of freedom with the flow into China, a number of trendy men and women has become a “guinea pig.” Since it is a trial marriage, the reasons for each test and the mentality is different, and its consequences are joy unspeakable.

I personally support the trial marriage, because the trial marriage can have many benefits, although many people think that this is unethical behavior before marriage, that marriage is to break the routine before the manifestation of that trial marriage is to enjoy the happiness and joy of marriage rather than responsible for it.

Before trial marriage, provided that they have to Give Love, after all, the results of trial marriage, not can be happy, can be together, not into the marriage hall, trial marriages can try a lot of contradictions, but that a better understanding of each other.

A: Learn habits

Trial marriage can understand each other’s habits, to understand each other’s living habits, habits that two people are the same. If you can accept his minor defects, after all, love, many small problems, you will not find, will not understand. Trial marriage during the day, every moment together, in addition to work during the life of trivial things, you need two people with experience who might be washing dishes and fight for today, life is life, not a time to love, every day romantic, romantic. Men’s socks, throw again today, the laundry, these little things, will quarrel. Adjust everything before marriage, marriage can be a very good distribution, do not do this fight, because the trial marriage, you can understand each other, a rare ailment, are aware of, and are accepted.

Second: is harmonious sexual life

Now many divorce cases, many of them are sexual disharmony in the end. Sexual life in marriage, from the very important role. Most couples feel that their sex life will be the existence of a certain defect or lack of sex life plays a great role in marriage, you can adjust the two people’s feelings, the emotional life, sexual life, can play a role in polish . There are many people, because sexual disorders, to look for the third, or affair. The trial marriage before marriage, where you can play the role of harmony, even harmony, and now the pain is better than after the pain is good, divorce is not every woman wants.

Third: Is there a concept of marriage

Marriage is a lifetime thing, and he is to live to two people, we must first learn to Gu, followed by the thoughtful, caring people, not the day after a person is when two people supporting a family, and these, in the process of trial marriage can reflect, the woman afraid of marrying the wrong husband, trial marriage on the way, to reflect, to know whether a person has the concept of marriage is a good way. Trial marriage can be better maintained after the women’s families, after adjustments, and after the marriage more secure.

Four: the other side is responsible for

Trial marriage is a kind of responsibility, the courage to trial marriage a woman, no matter how open the woman, or a conservative side, in front of every marriage concerns. During the trial marriage, if the other party to leave you, a sense he is irresponsible, while telling myself that this is not a candidate after her husband, do not think, trial marriage, a girl is a disadvantage, in fact, it is responsible for their own .

Give Love will love, do not think this is a long time to break the moral, in fact, it is responsible for their own, ready to get married, you trial marriage yet? Trial marriage is not avant-garde, is responsible for their own future marriage

by Peter Menkin

This is the second interview with a prominent clergy member on the subject of Gay Marriage & Same Sex Blessings. Here, The Rt. Reverend Marc Andrus (Episcopalian) who is Bishop of the Diocese of California (San Francisco Bay Area) speaks to the subject. In a telephone interview of half an hour, Bishop Marc spoke of his faith in God and God’s attitude towards Gay Marriage (“…God does not judge as human’s judge, humans judge by outward appearances, but god sees the human heart.”) and this writer notes that the great issue of his vision is reflected in his final statement, “a just and reconciled society.” The next interview will be with Senior Rabbi Stephen Pearce of Temple El-Emanuel in San Francisco, the second largest Reform Temple in the United States. This five part series is ongoing in the present. This is the interview with Bishop Marc; his answers are in italic.

Where are you on the Episcopal religious spectrum? Progressive, Liberal, Conservative? What does this mean to you?

I would be in the progressive wing of The Episcopal Church. The word progressive has a direct link to the word tradition. Properly understood, tradition is a force originating in the past and moving into the future. And at its best tradition sweeps the most positive values and understandings of a time and place forward and delivers them into a new moment of history.

Where is the Episcopal Diocese of California going with Same Sex Blessings and Gay marriage? Will the Diocese of California support a measure at the national General Convention on this matter? Has a statement been formulated on the subject? Will you comment and broadly state answers to questions regarding your Pastoral Letter on Gay Marriage?

At its recent General Convention, an every-three-year legislative gathering for the whole Episcopal Church, among the many pieces of legislation passed was two that pertain to inclusion of LGBT people. Together, these two resolutions affirm the access that all people have to the full life of the church.

If there is a key Bible vision that supports Gay Marriage & Same Sex Blessing, please give a Biblical example and explain something of your vision on interpretation? Who else shares this sensibility and understanding we might know or recognize?

The story of the anointing of David by Samuel in which it editorially says that God does not judge as human’s judge, human’s judge by outward appearances, but god sees the human heart. When The Episcopal Church is looking at a human couple who seeks the blessing of the church on their relationship, we humbly attempt to see as God sees, which reveals certain characteristics – love, fidelity, forgiveness, mutuality, humility — all of which The Episcopal Church considers more important than external considerations.

What book do you recommend reader’s read that leads to an understanding of your stance and your statements supporting Gay Marriage & Same Sex Blessing?

Martin Luther King: The Inconvenient Hero, by Vincent Harding

In which, Harding who was the major author of King’s famous sermon preached at Riverside Church, outlines how King’s developing vision that encompassed peace and global poverty was both repudiated by many while King was still alive and has continued to languish since his death. The trajectory of history is indeed toward justice, and justice for all.

Have you performed a Same Sex Blessing, and if so, will you tell us some of the words you used? Where did you do this?

Yes I have. It was a blessing, not a marriage. The Episcopal Church does not have a rite for same-sex marriage. Our Prayer Book does not have an actual rite. The couple was married at the court house when it was legally possible to do so. I performed the blessing using the rite already created. It was a big ceremony. I’ve given one other blessing of a same-sex union, in both cases they were married in the civil sector first. Both were done at Grace Cathedral. In one case it was on the Labyrinth. In the other it was in the Nave, the main central section of the Cathedral.

What brought you to write your Pastoral Letter regarding Gay Marriage & Same Sex Blessing, and do you consider the letter either Political-Religious or Political. Certainly it has Political dimension. Was there something in the Bible that began you thinking to write the Letter to the people in your Diocese?

It was not politically-religious. It was religious. Here is why I say that. What I urged the Diocese of California to do was have all marriages, gay or straight, be performed by the civil authorities. This would be like in France, people go to the courthouse and the magistrate performs the civil part and they come to the Church to have the religious part. This for gay and straight. The reason I wrote the Pastoral letter was to express the idea that the Church should properly function as the Church, rather than as an agent of the State.

 There are a number of Biblical sections. One is, you could say, a theme of not judging in the Bible, and understanding that God judges. And a more positive statement of that in the Bible is that God judges on essential characteristics rather than non-essential characteristics. Humans judge by outward appearances, while God sees the human heart.

The essential characteristics of a marriage include mutuality, faithfulness, forbearance, honesty, forgiveness and we understand those to be at the core of a marriage. Whereas other characteristics might be important in a person’s self-identity, but may not be central to definitions of marriage.

In you Pastoral Letter, you urge your clergy in their local Church to refrain from performing the Sacrament of Marriage with their congregants. That is marrying them in the Church and in Christ. Is this so, as I’ve explained it? If not, will you explain?

I’ve urged people to be married by the civil authorities and receive the blessing of the Church. Where is the Sacrament in the marriage service? The Eucharist is still there, the Bishop notes. What is left out if we leave out the part of the State? If a clergy person does a marriage, they are acting as an agent of the State. The only part of the act as we make it is the section at the beginning, if the couple is entering into the marriage of their own free will, and if anyone has an objection to the marriage. If you leave that out, it will be a strange conclusion to say that the Sacrament had been removed from the service.

If there are words you’d recommend for Performing a Same Sex Blessing, will you tell us them. We’ll excerpt all of them or a phrase or so. Where in the Bible is this supported, and if you see these as part of the Social Gospel, please tell us something of your sense of the Social Gospel that leads you to support this? Do you recommend certain Bible readings to Gay couples (man and man, woman and woman), and in their either civil union relationship, or in Gay Marriage, are there other readings or meditations on Biblical text you recommend?

The Social Gospel could be spoken of as our quest for justice and reconciliation in the Church and in the world. Within the Church the implications of Baptism, the radical implications of Baptism if they are followed, lead the Church to become a truer reflection of the Kingdom of God. Which is another way of saying a just and reconciled society.

Addendum:

In the controversial climate regarding Gay Marriage in California, USA, Bishop Marc Andrus’ Pastoral Letter reflects his viewpoint on the pro Gay Marriage California Supreme Court ruling and outlines the response to the Court ruling by Episcopalians in San Francisco’s Bay Area. The Letter, written in preparation for the Gay Marriage fight, as it were, was distributed before the State Proposition that passed and said no to Gay Marriage in California: Here is text of his Pastoral Letter, and though written prior to Lambeth reveals the Rt. Reverend’s stance and direction of The Diocese of California:

Pastoral Letter Regarding Same-sex Marriage

Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ,

I welcome the ruling of the California Supreme Court affirming the fundamental right of all people to marry. I am writing to you now to recommend a path to use this decision to strengthen our support of our lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered sisters and brothers, and our continued witness to God’s inclusive love.

Clergy and lay leaders in the diocese have been working for the rights of LGBT people and for their full inclusion in our Church for more than forty years. Today, we continue to walk a journey that includes:

Bringing the witness of our LGBT sisters and brothers to this summer’s Lambeth Conference,
Combating a ballot initiative this November that will attempt to take away the rights recently recognized by the California Supreme Court,
Providing leadership at next summer’s General Convention to bring our marriage practices and theology in line with our fundamental baptismal theology.

For far too long the onus has fallen on marginalized people to bear the burden of inequalities that exist within the Church, and the decision by our state’s Supreme Court has given us the opportunity to level the playing field.

To that end, the Diocese of California seeks to provide, by advocacy and example, a way forward for The Episcopal Church so that the marriage of same-sex couples will be a part of our official marriage rites, without distinction. Although The Episcopal Church does not have canonical rites for same-sex marriage, it is our goal that all couples be treated equally by the Church, as they are equally loved by God.

I therefore provide you with the following pastoral guidelines:

I urge you to encourage all couples, regardless of orientation, to follow the pattern of first being married in a secular service and then being blessed in The Episcopal Church. I will publicly urge all couples to follow this pattern.
For now, the three rites approved for trial use under the pastoral direction of the bishop, adopted by resolution at the 2007 Diocesan Convention (see appendix), should be commended to all couples (again, regardless of orientation) to bless secular marriages.
All marriages should be performed by someone in one of the secular categories set forth in California Family Code, section 400 (see appendix), noting that any person in the state of California can be deputized to perform civil marriages. The proper sphere for Episcopal clergy is the blessing portion of the marriage.
The understanding of The Episcopal Church currently is that blessings are an extension of the pastoral office of the bishop. I ask that you continue to inform me of all same-sex blessings.
Couples who have been married under the auspices of the California Supreme Court ruling must have the same pre-marriage counseling as that required of any couple seeking marriage or blessing of marriage in The Episcopal Church. This should be understood as an offering of the Church’s support for marriage.
I urge Episcopalians, clergy and lay, to volunteer as Deputy Marriage Commissioners. There are over 4,000 civil same-sex marriages planned in a short period of time in the city of San Francisco alone and the city is asking for help in meeting demand. I intend to volunteer for this at my earliest opportunity. This would be one sign of affirmation for the Supreme Court ruling from our diocese. By city requirement, clergy will not be allowed to wear collars when presiding at secular marriages. (For more information about how to be deputized, see the attached appendix.)
All people receiving blessings of civil marriages in the Diocese of California are free to use the same degree of publicity (e.g., newspaper notices).

These are interim measures as the Diocese of California and The Episcopal Church continue our journey in the context of this prophetic opportunity provided by the California Supreme Court’s ruling. I have already initiated a process to arrive at a more studied, permanent answer for Episcopal clergy presiding at same-sex marriages in this diocese. That process includes the formation of a panel of diocesan clergy to make recommendations about how to move toward equality of marriage rites for all people. These recommendations will be discussed across the diocese resulting in an official diocesan policy.

In the coming days, I will publicly state my opposition to the initiative to overturn the Supreme Court ruling. The Diocese of California will publish advertising around June 17 celebrating the Supreme Court ruling and inviting same-sex couples to our churches for pre-marital counseling and nourishment in communities of faith.
As always, I welcome your wisdom, your insights and your input on these matters, and I continue in my commitment to work for a Church that sees all of God’s children through the same eyes that God does.

Marriage and Sex Patterns- Sociological Approach – Part Two

Hasan Yahya, Ph.D

In the Arab culture: Sex in Arab and Muslim countries is a taboo to be even mentioned. Sex is a part of maturity of the male and female to perform a husband-wife responsibilities.  In such culture, women as well as men do not believe in having sex outside marriage. Those who had sex with partners are always afraid of getting pregnant. Such an act outside wedlock is prohibited and even punishable by family before court intervention. In many cases, depending on the social environment, women usually pay for that offence, rather than men. Arabic culture is a totally male dominated culture. The father, or the elder brother take the role of defending the family honor by killing the woman while others are witnessing. In most cases if they were convicted, they will feel proud of themselves, in addition, the court will not perceive the killing as a first degree murder, and a token sentence will be made, which is undermining women’s human rights in this case.  This is the general fear for most women who are in love with partners outside the family circle.

 In the Gulf area and elsewhere in the Arab and Muslim world, women usually have sex . They are engaged when alone with partners embracing, kissing, and fondling, but not through organs which may lead to pregnancy. Therefore, women give permission to use the other methods but without intercourse. It is much safer in that case than real intercourse. Women, especially young girls are very sharp aggressors in this case, when they are fond of someone else older than them, whither they are teachers, drivers, or even sale people, The Gulf States women find their ways to have sex no matter dangerous that was. What they want is what is matter and rarely accept defeat in their multiple attempts. This is encouraged by parent absence, the availability of money in the hands , and the availability of cars.

 The internet, these days increases the possibilities of having friends to have sex away from family house, several attempts of suicide usually committed by girls after the discovery of pregnancy, and the refusal of offenders to marriage  commitment. Most of these suicide attempts are unreported and covered for the honor of the family which is practiced in all Arab and Muslim countries.

 Sex and Marriage in the Arab countries: Marriage is encouraged in early years after eighteen years of age in most Arab countries, But the economic crunch, lead many young people to have late marriage after 24 especially when families cannot support marriage expenses which includes Mahr [dowry) or engagement parties which is high and reach in some places over thirty thousand dollars. Such obstacles have invented new types of marriage among young and old men and women.

 Marriage types in the Arab and Muslim countries:

1. Normal marriage: which is widely practiced and common in the society, where the engagement and marriage ceremonies are recognized. This type of marriage is highly encouraged as a legal matrimony practice. Any deviation from such marriage which includes the principles of legal marriage in Islam, have less value and therefore, prohibited except in the following types.

2. ‘Urfi marriage: unannounced secret marriage, between a woman and a man, usually it is wider among university students and city employees. It does not cost much, and does not need furnished family home.

3. Secret Marriages: In Islam, marriage to be valid, has to meet certain requirements such as ishhar (announcement), the payment of the mahr (dowty), the consent of both parties, the permission of the wali (woman's guardian, a father or old brother or uncle), and the presence of witnesses. (Read box IV for a question answer dialogue between a woman and legal authority.) 

4. Shigar Marriage: In Islam, this type of marriage is prohibited. It is a marriage is when someone condition to marry a woman, to let the woman's father or brother to marry the groom daughter or sister.

Ibn Umar (Allah be pleased with them) said that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar marriage which means that a man gives his daughter in marriage on the condition that the other gives his daughter to him in marriage with- out any dower being paid by either.

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) prohibited Shighar. Ibn Numair added: Shighar means that a person should say to the other person: Give me the hand of your daughter in marriage and I will (in return) marry my daughter to you; or merry me your sister, and I will marry my sister to you. [Sahi Muslim, The Book Marriage]

5. Mut’ah marriage:The wikipedia defines this type of marriage as: marriage for pleasure, or sigheh, is a fixed-term marriage contract according to the Usuli Shia school of Shari’a (Islamic law). The duration of this type of marriage is fixed at its inception and is then automatically dissolved upon completion of its term. Among Sunni followers, this type of marriage is illegal and prohibited. While Shi’a consist a little more than 5% of Muslims, Sunni Muslims constitute 95%. According to Dr. Gabriele Marranci, lecturer in the Anthropology of Islam at the University of Aberdeen, nikah mut‘ah as a fixed-term form of marriage is not mentioned in the Qur’an. The only mention of Islamic marriage is that of nikah itself.

Also forbidden are married women unless they are captives (of war). Such is the decree of God. Lawful for you are women besides these if you seek them with your wealth for wedlock and not for debauchery. Then give those of these women you have enjoyed the agreed dower. It will not be sinful if you agree to something (else) by mutual consent after having settled the dowry. God is certainly all-knowing and all-wise.(Qur’an 4:24)

The rules of Nikahu l-Mut‘ah marriage resembles a nikah (“permanent marriage”) in many, but not all, aspects. It commences in the same way as a Nikah except that a date of expiration for the marriage is added to the marriage contract and the wife has her rights restricted to some extent. The duration is decided by the couple involved. There are no restrictions about minimum and maximum duration. If the period is longer than what can be reasonably expected to be a lifetime, it will transform into a nikah.

During the period of the marriage, the couple are considered husband and wife, just as in a permanent marriage. At the expiration, the marriage is voided without undergoing a Talaq “divorce”. In case of sexual intercourse, the woman must observe the iddah “waiting period” before she can marry anyone else. Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is considered mustahab (recommended) by the Shia. The Shia also regard it as mustahab (recommended) to extend the marriage or to transform it into a permanent one.

The Nikahu l-Mut‘ah is used in Shi‘ah Islam in various ways: It is used in modern times when people move from one place to another, such as from one country to another. Thus students, workers, scholars are allowed to fulfill their sexual and emotional needs if they are in another country. It may lead to permanent marriage afterwards.

It may be used to satisfy one’s sexual needs. There are no requirements of having a witness, a written contract or permission from authorities (Although some people might prefer to complete the contract in the presence of a learned Muslim).

It may be used to become mahram “unmarriable” with somebody with whom they do not intend to cohabit or have a married relationship, but with whom they spend a lot of time (for example, share a house). In order to ease the hijab “modest dress” rules, they engage in a nikahu l-Mut‘ah, specifying in the marriage contract that no physical contact is allowed.

Two people who live under the same roof but are not mahram (un-marriable) and must observe hijab may engage in a symbolic nikahu l-mut‘ah with the others’ offspring for a minimal amount of time (two minutes or less). The Nikahu’l-Mut‘ah does not need to have any practical consequence, but it will make the parent and the offspring’s husband or wife permanently mahram to each other, and thus no longer obliged to observe hijab rules.

Young unmarried couples may decide to use nikahu l-Mut‘ah as a permissible alternative to zina (Adultry). Thus in practice they engage in something very similar to western relations (that is, there is the potential of permanent marriage), but it differs in that there is a specified time as to how long the relationship is to last, with the possibility to prolong that period.

Some divorced men and women, disillusioned with permanent marriage, prefer to commit for only a few years at a time. In 2001, journalist Camelia Entekhabi-Fard claimed that some women earn money in Qom, Iran, by engaging in temporary marriage with pilgrims and religious scholars, in what she claimed was “a thinly veiled form of prostitution.”

The 2004 documentary Prostitution Behind the Veil depicts women in Iran who engage in temporary marriages, which the film terms “Sighe.”

Although nikah mut’ah is usually portrayed in the western media as a form of “Islamic dating”, there are a few differences between it and modern western dating, mainly:A woman is required to observe an iddah (waiting period) after their breakup, if they have consummated their relationship. It is forbidden for women to “date” non-Muslims, and men are not permitted to “date” women of non-monotheistic religions. The two parties must have a verbal consent, although some Shi’as believe that implicit consent is also acceptable.

Incoming search terms for the article:

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A good marriage counselor can be very helpful. Working on the issues in your marriage may seem simple but sometimes it is helpful to have an objective marriage counselor to assist you. A good marriage counselor will give you tools and techniques to improve your communication and help you deal with your problems in a healthy way. Seeing a marriage counselor can make you feel like you have hope for a happy marriage. A marriage counselor knows how to help couples facing money issues, issues with their sex life and other issues that couples often face and can help you overcome your problems.

Top Three Reasons to Look for a Marriage Counselor:

1. To allow you to better deal with the strong emotions that are associated with problems in a marriage.
2. To help you find a path to a happy and satisfying marriage that you can be excited about.
3. To give you the tools you need to work on the problems in your marriage.

If you and your partner are able to cope with the emotions that problems in your marriage bring, to work towards a resolution to your problems and you have the tools to do this than you probably would not get a lot out of seeing a marriage counselor. Couples really need to try to work out their issues themselves first before seeing a marriage counselor. If you and your partner need help dealing with issues in your marriage, though, you should see a marriage counselor because the issues are not going to go away on their own.

What Should You Look for in a Marriage Counselor?

You can simply open up the phone book for your local area and choose a marriage counselor if you want to. You could also get a recommendation from a trusted religious leader or your doctor. The best way to find a marriage counselor is to talk to a friend or family member that has used a marriage counselor and has a much better relationship now. Not everyone is willing to talk about their experiences with a marriage counselor, though, so this is not always easy to do.

However you go about selecting a marriage counselor it is important to choose wisely so you get someone that can really help you. The marriage counselor needs to be someone who you and your partner can be comfortable with so you both need to have input into the choice of the marriage counselor.

It is important to make sure any marriage counselor you select has the right credentials including a license and certification in family and marriage counseling.

Your marriage counselor should have a current license in the mental health field. The majority of marriage counselors have a certificate and license in marriage and family therapy. Every state has their own rules for licensing therapists and counselors. Marriage counselors in most states have to have a Master or Doctorate degree of some sort, must have done training during graduate school in marriage and family therapy and must have worked under experienced therapists for the required amount of time. A marriage counselor has the option of becoming licensed with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) which has its own specific requirements for membership.

A marriage counselor can set up their own office or they can operate out of a health clinic, hospital, or a government organization. Your doctor may be able to recommend a good marriage counselor for you to work with or you can ask people you know if they have any recommendations. Other sources for a marriage counselor recommendation include your insurance company, a religious leader or local government organizations. Or you can just open up the phone book and look there.

When you are looking for a marriage counselor you will want to be sure to ask potential therapists the right questions.

Here are some questions you should ask:

What licenses and certifications do you hold and what professional organizations are you affiliated with?
What degrees do you have and what training have you gone through?
How many couples have you counseled with our specific problems?
What are your fees?
Will our insurance cover any of the fees?
What is your office location and your hours of operation?
What is the length of the sessions you offer?
How often would we meet with you?
How long would we have to attend therapy sessions?
What do you do if we have to cancel a therapy session?
Are you available if we have an emergency?

How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?

In most cases, you and your partner will be responsible for part if not all of the cost of the marriage counselor. What types of rates can you expect from a marriage counselor? You can pay anything from $50 to $200 for a session with a marriage counselor but the average price per hour is close to $100. The average couple will spend about 3 months in therapy, meeting with their marriage counselor weekly so the process will probably end up costing close to $1200. This is the average cost of therapy for most couples. Depending on how severe your issues are, though, you could meet with your counselor weekly for as long as a year or two. This could mean spending as much as $10,000 on the therapy but it is a small price to pay if you avoid a divorce.

If you put the cost of a marriage counselor in perspective by looking at how important to you mentally and emotionally to have a happy marriage than it doesn’t seem so expensive after all. You will get more satisfaction from a happy marriage than you would with material goods you could buy with the same money. Actually, people often start working together better and improve their financial situation after they learn how to communicate by seeing a marriage counselor. 

It will be up to you and your partner to determine when you are ready to stop seeing the marriage counselor.

Often, men are anxious to stop seeing the marriage counselor as soon as possible even if the therapy sessions were their idea. Sometimes men resent the fact that the marriage counselor is telling them what to do and making sure they are following through. Some men go along with the marriage counselor only as long as they have to to make their wives happy and after the therapy sessions are over they are back to behaving the way they were before the therapy.

If you think that your partner is likely to behave this way, you should not stop seeing the marriage counselor until both of you feel you have made significant progress. It may be a good idea to go see the marriage counselor less often but not stop all together. Seeing a marriage counselor can do wonders for your relationship!