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Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

When couples come to us for Marriage Counseling, often each spouse is overwhelmed by their own individual feelings. They have reached the point of desperation by the time they get to us and feelings have masked their thinking. Feelings can range from Anger to Fear.

The best way to stop painful feelings is to learn the “Feelings Follow Action” principle.

When we feel a negative emotion, we feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. We hope and pray that we will feel better – we expect the change in emotions to just “happen” to us, similar to how a cloud descends on someone.
We don’t “feel” like acting upbeat or cheerful. We’re sad, or upset, or anxious, etc. We can’t help what we feel. We feel like prisoners of our painful emotions. We want out, but are held hostage.

We can tell you a surefire way to change your feelings in less than an hour – but few people want to do it. When we are hurting – most folks just want to ‘stew’ in their emotional pot. Our negative feelings have sapped our energy.

When we are down, the last thing we want to do is to act happy. It’s fake, it’s phony, and we don’t really feel happy anyway. The truth is that if we take the ACTION of doing things that people do when they are happy – within about an hour, we will start feeling much happier. It’s hard to believe – but it’s the truth!
It seems too simple to actually work, doesn’t it?

All you need to try it for yourself is a list of behaviors you do when you are happy or in a good mood. Your list should be personalized to the things and ways you behave when you are cheerful and happy. Make sure to include doing loving things for other people. That is the greatest mood lifter of all. Even if you can only seek to bless your spouse – that’s OK.

Muster up the courage to try it, “Just this once”. Trying something once doesn’t usually overtax anyone. Tell yourself that this exercise won’t hurt you, and after an hour you can always go back to feeling the way you were feeling before.
Feelings really do follow actions!

There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.

Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?

It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.

When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.

Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.

We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.

Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.

The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.

After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.

The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.

Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.

Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.

There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.

If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.

If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.

This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.

Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.

While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.

One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.

It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.

The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.

If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.

In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.

No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.

Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.

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Most people going through separation and divorce go through a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams.

How you choose to handle a separation is very important because of the effect it will have on the rest of your life. If you do not deal with the pain you will be unhappy for a very long time. Let go of your bitterness and anger.

Try to look at the separation as an opportunity to re-examine your abilities, your assets and your dreams, and to make the changes necessary for a new, full and rewarding life.

Things you can do:

>> Talk to someone you trust. Talking and sharing your deepest concerns to a family member or close friend that you trust can give you an outlet for your frustration and anger. You may find that a person who has been through a separation or divorce is the best one to offer support.

>> Keep a familiar routine for yourself and your children. It is especially important for your children: the more their world stays the same, the better they will be able to cope with the changes they will have to make.

>> Keep the lines of communication open with your children. They need to know that they are not losing the love and support of either parent, and that they are not responsible for your separation or divorce. Talk openly to them about your new living arrangements.

>> Stay healthy. You may find yourself forgetting to eat regularly and staying up late worrying. This could lead to a loss of energy and illness at a time when you most need to be on top of things. Keep yourself in good health by eating regular meals and getting enough sleep. You should also try to get regular exercise.

>> Learn some methods for coping with stress. There are many good books you can read on coping with stress, and you may also find some information on relaxation techniques helpful. Check with your local library and bookstore.

>> Keep in mind the old saying, “One day at a time”. Deal with your separation and the unexpected problems and feelings it creates by asking yourself, “What do I need to do today?”. Try not to worry about things you cannot do anything about until next week or next month. When the time comes, deal with them just like the others – one day at a time.

>> Avoid making major decisions until your life has become more settled. Although some decisions have to be made quickly, such as housing and school arrangements for the children, you can put off many decisions until “the dust has settled”. Give yourself some time before moving to another community, deciding on a career change, going back to school or getting involved with someone new.

>> Allow yourself the time you need to heal. Your family and friends may encourage you to “cheer up” and “get on with life” before you are ready. You must take whatever time you need to heal. Losing a marriage, no matter how difficult it may have been, still causes wounds. Give yourself quiet times alone in which you can think, cry, or simply be by yourself.

>> Get professional help when you need it. You will face many legal and emotional problems along with separation and divorce, and you will probably need professional help. For legal matters, seek the help of a lawyer. If you are experiencing severe emotional stress, your family doctor can help you find a counsellor. You may also find it helpful to talk to a member of the clergy for your religion. Make sure you use these services when you need them; ignore the desire to “tough it out” on your own.

>> Look for support in your community. There may be workshops and self-help groups in your community which can help you in this difficult time.

“A bad marriage dosen’t mean its the end of a life”

Whatever your experience of divorce may be, it is worth remembering that there is life after divorce. And it can be a blessing in disguise for it isn’t often that we get a chance to break clean and start over. We would say “Its all about progression, so don’t get disheartened.”

A marriage is always the beginning of a new life. End your search for a compatible life partner at Re-marriage.com. The No. 1 Remarriage Matrimonial Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.

What kind of communication do you and your spouse practice? How would you rate it on a scale of one to ten?

Do you feel completely understood by your spouse? Does your spouse feel completely understood by you?

When we feel understood, we feel loved? Does your spouse feel loved by you?

In our Marriage Counseling practice, over 95% of the couples who come to us practice poor communication skills. As a result, neither spouse feels understood and loved.

What are some of the “poor” communication practices?

Here are a few:

Interrupting Stealing the topic away and making it about you Improper nonverbal communication (93% of all communication is nonverbal) Mindreading Not listening Speaking in attacking manner (not remaining neutral) Speaking too long without giving your spouse a chance to respond

There are many others, but these are very common. If you want to make your spouse feel loved, Marriage Counseling thinks that it is important to replace these negative practices with positive practices.

A few of these are:

Using neutral statements and questions Being concise when you speak Check it out if you don’t understand Be a great Listener Show interest in what your spouse is saying Never interrupt

Couples who have practiced poor listening often find it hard to turn it around to become good listeners. If you really want to make your spouse feel loved, Marriage Counseling encourages you to learn how to be a good listener.

In our Marriage Counseling practice, we work with couples and teach them to become really good listeners. They not only learn how to be good listeners, they also practice those skills while they are here.

Whatever condition your Marriage or family is in, you can make it better by learning to become good listeners.

In our Marriage Counseling Practice clients tell us that their marriages are very stressed. We have discovered a number of common threads that lead to this stress.

Here are a few:

Lack of time. Too many commitments often caused by the inability to say no to a request. Lack of money. With the economy causing job losses it is particularly a problem these days. Lack of sleep. This can be very hard on our bodies, our minds, and our emotions. Lack of organization usually leads to a chaotic home and schedule. Lack or exercise. With little or no exercise our bodies and minds don’t function well. No recreation. No fun in our lives. Too many outside activities for the children. This is stressful on both the parents and the kids.

Here are some antidotes for a stress filled life:

Prayer. God provides a place of Rest and Peace for us when we seek Him. Money management. If you need help budgeting there are those who can help. Don’t put things down, put them away. A messy house leads to stress. Do a “Daily Plan” to organize your time and make sure you are not over committed. Just say no to requests that are more than you can handle in a healthy way. Get plenty or rest and exercise. Mark out at least one day each week for fun, relaxation, and recreation. Limit children’s outside activities. Laughter. The Bible says that laughter restores the soul.

We can only handle so much stress before our personal health is affected.  Likewise our relationships can only handle so much stress before they are negatively affected.

Most couples can make these changes on their own. But, if your marriage has already moved into a heavily stressed relationship, you may need outside help. Often folks turn to Marriage Counseling for help from an expert.

There is hope that you can relieve the stress in your Marriage.

Remarriage after divorce

Divorce is a very painful experience. It leaves some unwanted memories and people who had gone through divorce usually become cautious when they want to start a new relationship with someone else.

Remarriage after divorce might be a confusing decision to take. Because people will try to avoid all the mistakes that happened in the previous marriage and they are not sure they can fix the problems. They usually have lack of confidence in their selves to lead a successful marriage because the old failures haunt them and make them hesitant to take the decision.

What would affect your chances of getting married after a divorce? There are many factors. For example a single young lady might have less chances of getting married again if she has some children.

There are many factors like education, income and social factors.

If you want to succeed in your new marriage, you need to be aware about some specific things, do not let past failures discourage you, and follow these tips.

1) Remove any unsettled issues from your old marriage and be ready to start a new life. Make sure you are over the divorce, financially, emotionally and socially.

2) Assess your performance. The best thing you can do to start again with a successful remarriage is to evaluate your faults and try to avoid them to enjoy a new marriage without deadly mistakes.

3) Wait and think before taking a hasty decision. Take time to know your new partner and try to explore new and unveiled sides of his/her character. This will help you tighten your relationship with your new partner and will help you accept him/her as a new partner without any imaginary or illogical expectation.

4) Let your new partner know the real you. Do not try to cover yourself with a false aura. Talk about your hopes, ambitions, beliefs, expectations, fears and disappointments. Be open and honest with your future partner and ready the air for him/her to talk about him/herself too. Honesty is crucial if you want your remarriage to be successful.

5) Have a new start. Do not stay in the same place or hang out with the same mutual friends. Make a little change to your community, college or job. Avoid any relationship with your ex and be ready to forget about the past and its woes.

6) Go for new activities. New hobbies, new job or new decisions in your life will help you overcome divorce and will enhance your confidence to better help you make a successful remarriage. Sharing new activities with your new partner or working for a voluntary cause will help you reorganize your life.

Remarriage after a divorce could be an exciting experience. You need to leave the past behind and look forward to your future. Live your moment and you will make it last this time.

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