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Posts Tagged ‘Boundaries’

Dating Expert Tips:

Online dating for singles has become the key to successful dating today, but the big question is, what is a successful date? Does it mean that if a date is successful it will lead to romance? Well, a date will only be successful if it is planned well by the people involved in total commitment and honesty. Most of us are just receivers without a game plan, we just accept dates from people who show interest and hope that all will be well only to find our selves in a ditch and messed up. Our dating can therefore be successful if we are the ones going out and choosing from a selection of those we are compatible with.

To do this, you can join a free online dating service with a variety of singles to choose from where it’s possible to browse photos and profiles of compatible members. You will be required to create a truthful profile and submit a photo of yourself so that other members can get to know you. The details of your profile will be determined by the requirements of the dating service you choose, your profile must establish ground where you will easily match and be compatible with your desire.

Dating will be successful when you are at your most casual and truly honest and relaxed state, simplicity is the key to any successful date. It’s also important to set realistic match criteria and establish dating boundaries while prepared and upbeat keeping things simple and fun. Successful dating means dating the right people who will change your life and make you stronger through all kind of support and encouragement. Join The Best Free Online dating site and find a partner or meet new friends at: http://datingonlinesingles.blogspot.com

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Dr. Burke Ryan is “A-Okay” in life, at least that is what he tells his audience. A self-help guru, Burke’s career is rapidly taking off as he teaches others how to be “A-Okay” despite pain and loss. Only one problem, Burke has never fully digested the experience of his own loss. And, until Love Happens, he is woefully out of integrity, something he desperately needs to resolve, if love is ever going to happen in his life at all.

Why is Burke out of integrity? How do any of us end up out of integrity in life? Usually, the process happens gradually. Often the decision to go out of integrity is made through a misguided attempt to survive when basic childhood needs are not met in life. That’s what David Gruder, Ph.D. asserts in his book The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships, and Our World. As children, he states, we all have certain needs that include: a need to cuddle, to feel validated, to learn how to handle painful experiences well, and to understand the value of the word “no,” so we know how to set boundaries and learn to respect our limitations. But, when we don’t receive these, we move through life feeling increasingly dis-integrated, or out of connection, with ourselves, others, and the world around us.

Though we have no understanding of Burke’s childhood in the film Love Happens, obviously, like most people, something has happened that has led him to adopt a pattern of deception over the course of his life. Gruder relates childhood incidents that typically lead us away from choosing integrity (or wholeness) as follows:

Gruder’s List of Childhood Traumas.

Being intruded upon or violated by others.

Being abandoned and left to sort out life or make it through life on our own.

Being indulged in such a way we didn’t have to take responsibility for ourselves because someone else, or something else, took the blame for us.

Others stealing the attention from us so our pain or talents are not validated.

All these disintegrating experiences lead to feeling disconnected. To survive these horrible feelings we tend to adopt the following survival methods.

Gruder’s List of Ways We Attempt to Survive Trauma and Disconnection

Manufacture a Happy Ending Fantasy to give us hope and help us feel safe, connected, and accepted by others despite what has happened in our lives.

Create Rules to follow to help your happy ending fantasy come true.

Build a Pandora’s Box where you put everything (good and bad) that you feel other’s won’t accept, along with all your undigested pain in life.

Create a Mask of an acceptable self-image that others can relate to, and hope they won’t suspect you have a Pandora’s Box, or want to know what is inside of it.

Use Anesthesias (like drugs, alcohol, comfort food, etc.) to numb out your pain.

Certainly in the film Love Happens we see Burke using most of these ways to cope. To begin with he is often seen numbing out his pain with alcohol. Then he creates a happy ending fantasy about his wife’s death that isn’t true. To cope with her loss he creates rules that he gives himself and others of how to cope and be “A-Okay” in life. Though he is encouraging others to open up their Pandora’s Box and confront their pain and shame, he has yet to fully open up his own. All of this leads him to develop a public mask that begins to crack throughout the film. It cracks in part because he can’t live with his own inner shame, but also because he feels safe at last to reveal his true self due to the love extended to him by others.

Burke discovers then what Gruder reveals, that adopting the above survival methods don’t help us at all. They only lead to a greater lack of integrity in our lives. How to really integrate, become whole, and recover? Take the transformational route instead (what Gruder calls the adult path of development). Then Love Happens because we have allowed life’s wake-up calls (accidents, sudden successes, illnesses, heart-breaks, life changes, transcendent experiences) to help us cultivate the following:

Gruder’s Seven WisePassions, or “all-purpose life skills.”

Teachability (a willingness to learn what you need to from life).

Self Care (learning ways to truly care for yourself).

Discernment (knowing what does and does not lead to integrity and wholeness).

Harvesting (the past and integrating it into the present in a healthy way).

Power (cultivated in such a way you can use your gifts fully in service to others).

Synergy (knowing how to work cooperatively with others for the greater good).

Stewardship (discovering how you can use whatever you acquire to help bring
greater integrity and wholeness to yourself and those around you).

Fortunately, Burke finally becomes teachable (in the same way he helps to teach others). And, as he floods himself with compassion, and accepts compassion from others, he discovers how to better take care of himself. Through discernment over what was, and was not, his fault in his wife’s death, he is able to let go of maladaptive behaviors that cause him to avoid his pain, or lead him to punish himself unfairly. By at last taking time to harvest the lessons from his past, he is released into greater power to do good, allowing him to help people feel truly “A-Okay” in life. And, finally healed, he no longer pushes away people who both love him, and can synergize with him to help him accomplish what he is meant to in the world. The end result? As Love Happens and Burke comes into integrity, it appears as if he will be someone capable of making a real difference in the lives of others. In short, he is more likely to be a good steward of the potential gifts that may be coming his way from this point forward.

As for us and the areas we are out of integrity? We can also follow the steps Burke goes through and Gruder recommends. We don’t have to build up layer after layer of lies, hiding the truth from ourselves and others in an attempt to survive. With compassion and love something else can happen. We can be freed into integrity and wholeness. We can be freed to love and be loved.

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NOTE: This article is Copyrighted as of 2009 by LoveMovies! All Rights Reserved

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.