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Posts Tagged ‘Counseling’

When couples come to us for Marriage Counseling, often each spouse is overwhelmed by their own individual feelings. They have reached the point of desperation by the time they get to us and feelings have masked their thinking. Feelings can range from Anger to Fear.

The best way to stop painful feelings is to learn the “Feelings Follow Action” principle.

When we feel a negative emotion, we feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. We hope and pray that we will feel better – we expect the change in emotions to just “happen” to us, similar to how a cloud descends on someone.
We don’t “feel” like acting upbeat or cheerful. We’re sad, or upset, or anxious, etc. We can’t help what we feel. We feel like prisoners of our painful emotions. We want out, but are held hostage.

We can tell you a surefire way to change your feelings in less than an hour – but few people want to do it. When we are hurting – most folks just want to ‘stew’ in their emotional pot. Our negative feelings have sapped our energy.

When we are down, the last thing we want to do is to act happy. It’s fake, it’s phony, and we don’t really feel happy anyway. The truth is that if we take the ACTION of doing things that people do when they are happy – within about an hour, we will start feeling much happier. It’s hard to believe – but it’s the truth!
It seems too simple to actually work, doesn’t it?

All you need to try it for yourself is a list of behaviors you do when you are happy or in a good mood. Your list should be personalized to the things and ways you behave when you are cheerful and happy. Make sure to include doing loving things for other people. That is the greatest mood lifter of all. Even if you can only seek to bless your spouse – that’s OK.

Muster up the courage to try it, “Just this once”. Trying something once doesn’t usually overtax anyone. Tell yourself that this exercise won’t hurt you, and after an hour you can always go back to feeling the way you were feeling before.
Feelings really do follow actions!

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.

This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.

Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.

While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.

One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.

It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.

The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.

If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.

In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.

No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.

Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.

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What kind of communication do you and your spouse practice? How would you rate it on a scale of one to ten?

Do you feel completely understood by your spouse? Does your spouse feel completely understood by you?

When we feel understood, we feel loved? Does your spouse feel loved by you?

In our Marriage Counseling practice, over 95% of the couples who come to us practice poor communication skills. As a result, neither spouse feels understood and loved.

What are some of the “poor” communication practices?

Here are a few:

Interrupting Stealing the topic away and making it about you Improper nonverbal communication (93% of all communication is nonverbal) Mindreading Not listening Speaking in attacking manner (not remaining neutral) Speaking too long without giving your spouse a chance to respond

There are many others, but these are very common. If you want to make your spouse feel loved, Marriage Counseling thinks that it is important to replace these negative practices with positive practices.

A few of these are:

Using neutral statements and questions Being concise when you speak Check it out if you don’t understand Be a great Listener Show interest in what your spouse is saying Never interrupt

Couples who have practiced poor listening often find it hard to turn it around to become good listeners. If you really want to make your spouse feel loved, Marriage Counseling encourages you to learn how to be a good listener.

In our Marriage Counseling practice, we work with couples and teach them to become really good listeners. They not only learn how to be good listeners, they also practice those skills while they are here.

Whatever condition your Marriage or family is in, you can make it better by learning to become good listeners.

In our Marriage Counseling Practice clients tell us that their marriages are very stressed. We have discovered a number of common threads that lead to this stress.

Here are a few:

Lack of time. Too many commitments often caused by the inability to say no to a request. Lack of money. With the economy causing job losses it is particularly a problem these days. Lack of sleep. This can be very hard on our bodies, our minds, and our emotions. Lack of organization usually leads to a chaotic home and schedule. Lack or exercise. With little or no exercise our bodies and minds don’t function well. No recreation. No fun in our lives. Too many outside activities for the children. This is stressful on both the parents and the kids.

Here are some antidotes for a stress filled life:

Prayer. God provides a place of Rest and Peace for us when we seek Him. Money management. If you need help budgeting there are those who can help. Don’t put things down, put them away. A messy house leads to stress. Do a “Daily Plan” to organize your time and make sure you are not over committed. Just say no to requests that are more than you can handle in a healthy way. Get plenty or rest and exercise. Mark out at least one day each week for fun, relaxation, and recreation. Limit children’s outside activities. Laughter. The Bible says that laughter restores the soul.

We can only handle so much stress before our personal health is affected.  Likewise our relationships can only handle so much stress before they are negatively affected.

Most couples can make these changes on their own. But, if your marriage has already moved into a heavily stressed relationship, you may need outside help. Often folks turn to Marriage Counseling for help from an expert.

There is hope that you can relieve the stress in your Marriage.

We read about it all the time. It is on the evening news and tabloids. Famous people like Tiger Woods and Governor Mark Sanford, and not so famous people like your next door neighbor. Sometimes it seems like there is an epidemic of infidelity similar to the swine flu. It is ruining lives and marriages.

Can anything be done about it? Well, there is nothing you can do about other people’s marriages, but you can do something about your own.

The first thing you can do is put each other first after God. In our Marriage Counseling practice we hear story after story telling us how things were wonderful and then all of a sudden there was the admission of an affair. When you step back and look at the chronology it becomes apparent that it didn’t happen that way. Things were not as wonderful as one of the spouses thought. Marriages don’t go from Heaven to Hell overnight.

There are numerous outside influences in marriages and it is extremely important to protect your relationship from distractions and external attacks.

You can protect yourself and your relationship by making sure that you put your spouse first. When you marry that means that your “family” that you were born into or adopted into no longer is your first priority. This can be difficult but is necessary. You can also protect your relationship by making sure you do not continue close relationships with members of the opposite sex. It can be very tempting to go to a friend to talk about marital problems and create a bond of understanding that can often lead into an affair. You think not? We see it all the time.

You can protect your marriage by being sensitive to meeting your spouse’s needs.

It all starts with communication and having each of your needs met. Your spouse can’t meet your needs if they don’t know your needs. They can’t know your needs if you don’t tell them. They can’t understand the needs you have told them about if they do not listen…….really listen.

Your spouse will be more interested in meeting your needs when you have a similar interest in meeting their needs.

A great way to “affair proof” your marriage is to engage in regular emotionally connecting conversation. This will allow you to keep current. Share all of your emotions whether they are mad, sad, glad, or scared.

If you are in a situation where your spouse’s behavior or words are causing you pain, it is important to talk it through in order to keep your relationship from becoming a time bomb. A Marriage full of praise, affirmation and appreciation is far more likely to flourish rather than one filled with control, criticism and complaints.

Be a blessing to one another and have a blessed marriage.

Charlotte, NC (January 19, 2010) – With over 23 years of experience, Marriage Rescue Associates have discovered many effective methods for helping couples restore their family and marriages. As Christian Marriage Counselors, Marriage Rescue Associates can help construct solutions to rekindle love and rebuild trust that has been torn down by endless conflict, indifference, and unmet needs.

Since most couples aren’t able to attend a Marriage Intensive in their own city, or even in their own state, 95% of our couples fly or drive to us from all over the country. We are located 10 minutes south of Charlotte, NC. We are a convenient 35 minutes from the Charlotte-Douglas International Airport.

Marriage Counseling Statement of Faith:

We believe that the Holy Bible is the inerrant Word of God. We believe in the Holy Trinity of God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. We believe that Jesus was born of the Virgin Mary. He was and is the only one to ever live a sinless life. We believe that we are saved by Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ and His death, burial, and physical resurrection. We believe that the Blood of Jesus Christ shed on Calvary was and is sufficient to forgive man of all his sins. We believe in the physical and visible return of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Don’t let your marriage or family become another statistic when you can actually do something to change it.

Seek out Marriage Counseling from an experienced Marriage Counselor that understands your situation and makes you feel comfortable with them.

To learn more about Marriage Rescue Associates, visit us online at www.marriagerescue.org

Many people think that boundaries are like a “keep out” fence that distance you from your spouse. In fact, appropriate boundaries bring you closer in Marriage. Respect is one of the foundational aspects of a close and healthy marriage. We all want and deserve respect. Below is a list of boundaries and ways to show your spouse respect. Employing these suggestions will have a very positive effect on your marriage.

Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas! Otherwise secrets are very damaging to a marriage. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Secrets often are about money and relationships. We do not have to share things from our past that we have repented of and that do not affect your relationship today.

Keep your mate’s flaws private. Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your family or friends. This is very disrespectful to your mate. The first person you should talk to is your spouse. Sit down and have an honest discussion about the problem. If your mate’s flaws become damaging to your relationship, seek out the help of your Pastor or a Counselor.

On a similar note, keep your marriage problems private. Seek help from your Pastor or seek Marriage Counseling. Sometimes even reading a good book on the subject may help; especially if the two of you read it together. Sharing your problems with family or friends tends to polarize the situation. Rarely, even if we are sure about it, is the person we go to objective. After all, they are our friend or family member and they care about us so much that they may not be objective.

It is important to create appropriate division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. In the current day and age often there are two wage earners in the home. When Mom stays at home with the kids, she can be just as, if not more exhausted than Dad.

In a Marriage, there is no place for close “personal “friends of the opposite sex. This can create significant problems in a relationship. Affairs often develop out of situations where a person goes to their friend because “they are not being understood” at home. When the “friend” steps in and fills that role it is fertile ground for an affair to develop. You may say that you are not that kind of person to let that happen. As Marriage Counselors, we hear those very words from many couples who come to us to try to heal from adultery. Be wise and make your spouse your only close friend of the opposite sex.

One of the biggest complaints people make when they come in for marriage counseling is that they do not feel like they are number one with their spouse. This is true for men and women. It could be friends, work, hobbies, extended family, children or many other things. The best marriages always have husband and wife putting their spouse first (after God).

Marriages thrive on closeness. Find ways to return to the closeness you once had. Look for ways to reduce boundaries between you and your spouse, leaving only healthy boundaries, and create healthy boundaries between your relationship and the outside world that protects your marriage.