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Most people going through separation and divorce go through a whole range of intense emotions: sadness, anger, hurt, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion over the many decisions you must make, and a sense of failure at your lost plans and dreams.

How you choose to handle a separation is very important because of the effect it will have on the rest of your life. If you do not deal with the pain you will be unhappy for a very long time. Let go of your bitterness and anger.

Try to look at the separation as an opportunity to re-examine your abilities, your assets and your dreams, and to make the changes necessary for a new, full and rewarding life.

Things you can do:

>> Talk to someone you trust. Talking and sharing your deepest concerns to a family member or close friend that you trust can give you an outlet for your frustration and anger. You may find that a person who has been through a separation or divorce is the best one to offer support.

>> Keep a familiar routine for yourself and your children. It is especially important for your children: the more their world stays the same, the better they will be able to cope with the changes they will have to make.

>> Keep the lines of communication open with your children. They need to know that they are not losing the love and support of either parent, and that they are not responsible for your separation or divorce. Talk openly to them about your new living arrangements.

>> Stay healthy. You may find yourself forgetting to eat regularly and staying up late worrying. This could lead to a loss of energy and illness at a time when you most need to be on top of things. Keep yourself in good health by eating regular meals and getting enough sleep. You should also try to get regular exercise.

>> Learn some methods for coping with stress. There are many good books you can read on coping with stress, and you may also find some information on relaxation techniques helpful. Check with your local library and bookstore.

>> Keep in mind the old saying, “One day at a time”. Deal with your separation and the unexpected problems and feelings it creates by asking yourself, “What do I need to do today?”. Try not to worry about things you cannot do anything about until next week or next month. When the time comes, deal with them just like the others – one day at a time.

>> Avoid making major decisions until your life has become more settled. Although some decisions have to be made quickly, such as housing and school arrangements for the children, you can put off many decisions until “the dust has settled”. Give yourself some time before moving to another community, deciding on a career change, going back to school or getting involved with someone new.

>> Allow yourself the time you need to heal. Your family and friends may encourage you to “cheer up” and “get on with life” before you are ready. You must take whatever time you need to heal. Losing a marriage, no matter how difficult it may have been, still causes wounds. Give yourself quiet times alone in which you can think, cry, or simply be by yourself.

>> Get professional help when you need it. You will face many legal and emotional problems along with separation and divorce, and you will probably need professional help. For legal matters, seek the help of a lawyer. If you are experiencing severe emotional stress, your family doctor can help you find a counsellor. You may also find it helpful to talk to a member of the clergy for your religion. Make sure you use these services when you need them; ignore the desire to “tough it out” on your own.

>> Look for support in your community. There may be workshops and self-help groups in your community which can help you in this difficult time.

“A bad marriage dosen’t mean its the end of a life”

Whatever your experience of divorce may be, it is worth remembering that there is life after divorce. And it can be a blessing in disguise for it isn’t often that we get a chance to break clean and start over. We would say “Its all about progression, so don’t get disheartened.”

A marriage is always the beginning of a new life. End your search for a compatible life partner at Re-marriage.com. The No. 1 Remarriage Matrimonial Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.

Remarriage after divorce

Divorce is a very painful experience. It leaves some unwanted memories and people who had gone through divorce usually become cautious when they want to start a new relationship with someone else.

Remarriage after divorce might be a confusing decision to take. Because people will try to avoid all the mistakes that happened in the previous marriage and they are not sure they can fix the problems. They usually have lack of confidence in their selves to lead a successful marriage because the old failures haunt them and make them hesitant to take the decision.

What would affect your chances of getting married after a divorce? There are many factors. For example a single young lady might have less chances of getting married again if she has some children.

There are many factors like education, income and social factors.

If you want to succeed in your new marriage, you need to be aware about some specific things, do not let past failures discourage you, and follow these tips.

1) Remove any unsettled issues from your old marriage and be ready to start a new life. Make sure you are over the divorce, financially, emotionally and socially.

2) Assess your performance. The best thing you can do to start again with a successful remarriage is to evaluate your faults and try to avoid them to enjoy a new marriage without deadly mistakes.

3) Wait and think before taking a hasty decision. Take time to know your new partner and try to explore new and unveiled sides of his/her character. This will help you tighten your relationship with your new partner and will help you accept him/her as a new partner without any imaginary or illogical expectation.

4) Let your new partner know the real you. Do not try to cover yourself with a false aura. Talk about your hopes, ambitions, beliefs, expectations, fears and disappointments. Be open and honest with your future partner and ready the air for him/her to talk about him/herself too. Honesty is crucial if you want your remarriage to be successful.

5) Have a new start. Do not stay in the same place or hang out with the same mutual friends. Make a little change to your community, college or job. Avoid any relationship with your ex and be ready to forget about the past and its woes.

6) Go for new activities. New hobbies, new job or new decisions in your life will help you overcome divorce and will enhance your confidence to better help you make a successful remarriage. Sharing new activities with your new partner or working for a voluntary cause will help you reorganize your life.

Remarriage after a divorce could be an exciting experience. You need to leave the past behind and look forward to your future. Live your moment and you will make it last this time.

Start a New Life and find a compatible match for yourself at www.re-marriage.com The No.1 Remarriage Matrimonial Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.

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Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be very painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. However, learning from how others coped with the trauma may help one in picking up the threads and moving on in life…

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. Picking up the threads and moving on may seem like the most difficult thing to do and requires considerable effort and adjustment. We spoken to people who have had to grapple with divorce induced trauma – people who have emerged triumphant after the ordeal and are now leading more productive, fulfilling lives

Actress Sarha married Ranvir Singh, at the peak of her film career and happily threw it all away just to be the quintessential Indian wife. When things began spiraling out of control, she opted for a divorce after ten years of marriage. The decision left her with custody of her young son but minus a steady source of income and a roof over her head. She had to start from scratch. “Those who have been through the ordeal know that a divorce is the hardest, most traumatic period of one’s life. And it doesn’t just involve the two of you but your respective families as well, including the children, who are affected most. The grief & pain is similar to that experienced when someone close to you dies. But in this case, the person concerned is still alive and getting on with his own life – perhaps in the same neighborhood.”

She recalls one of the most frustratingly awkward situations, “Whenever I would go to a friend’s house and there were children there with both their parents and there I was standing all alone with my child. It was at times like these that all that hurt and anger came rushing back. I felt, ‘How could he do this to us?’ It’s all his fault!”

“Today, me and Ranvir are the best of friends. If I have something to share, I call him up. The three of us go out for movies or dinner together or with common friends. But to reach this comfort level, I’ve had to work on my ego issues and insecurities, as immediately after the divorce, there was a lot of resentment and anger.” The ex didn’t do much to help either, “The day after the divorce was legalized, Ranvir threw his friends a so-called ‘freedom party’ to celebrate his new-found freedom from the wife. This was probably done to spite me and yes it hurt. I have managed to let go and moved on, but my mother still cannot bring herself to forgive my ex-husband. It is after all natural for a parent to hold a grudge against someone who has hurt their offspring and ruined his/her life.”

While her mother and sister Tina stood by her through it all, Sarha claims her strongest ally was herself. “A divorce leaves you at your most vulnerable, but you have to be strong if you have to pull through that phase. Friends will console you and hold your hand, but can they share your pain? Or your loneliness? Moreover most married women are scared of a divorced woman. They may be your closest friends, but once you’re single again they think of you as a threat; someone out to snare their man for herself in order to fill the void.”

Looking back in retrospect Sarha says, “I had tried really hard to make it work. But Ranvir though jobless refused to give up on his gambling and insisted on keeping the wrong kind of company. These were things that infuriated me and lead to heated arguments. The fights when looked at individually weren’t really all that important, but as they got more frequent, the bad times began outweighing the good and I decided enough was enough. I wish his parents had intervened at that stage. Or perhaps had insisted that he get his act together, but they didn’t. It was more convenient to blame the wife and take his side. After we divorced, Ranvir’s mother tried to get me to come back. But it was too late.”

Sarha admits that like 99 per cent of divorced mothers she too wanted to lash out at her ex-husband in the most obvious way – by denying him visitation rights. “If the father is fond of his child, the best way to hurt him is to separate him from his child. But this is detrimental to the growth of the child who ends up insecure and resentful of the fact that he never got an opportunity to know his/her father. My parents too were divorced and I never got to know my father. I don’t blame my mother for not keeping in touch with my him; I’m sure she had her reasons. But those feelings of remorse did surface at times when I saw my classmates in school with both their parents,” she says.

“I wanted my son to feel complete and loved and not grow into an insecure, manipulative child who slyly pits one parent against the other to get his way. Hence I put in a determined attempt to bridge the gap caused by our divorce.” And in doing so Sarha has also succeeded in moving on with her life, “I am on friendly terms with Ranvir and his present girlfriend. I am into film production and other business”. Prod on about the chances of a second marriage and she reveals, “Yes, there is another man in my life, but marriage isn’t on the cards. I’m not yet ready to step into another relationship.” A case of once bitten, twice shy.

Model Saurab talks candidly about his failed marriage with model/actress Geeta, “Sure I made many mistakes; I’m only human. I’m not a saint. And I don’t believe in blinding myself from the truth. Most people don’t realize or refuse to accept their mistakes. Their pride, ego, etc. prevent them from coming to terms with reality. And it’s much easier to hold your ex responsible for the failure of your relationship by saying, ‘Oh it was all her/his fault!’ So what if the marriage didn’t work out. Accept your mistakes and move on.”

Saurab and Geeta have been separated for five months and their divorce is yet to come through, but the soon-to-be ex-husband matter-of-factly states that he has moved on. “Basically, it all boils down to the individual’s state of mind. Like most other things divorce cannot be labeled ‘good’ or ‘bad’. What society at large refers to as a ‘bad’ thing may just have some good come out of it.” He elaborates, “Divorce is simply a clash of two minds. Sure, you should try to iron out differences through marital counseling, etc. But if the problems are irreconcilable it is better to let go and part ways. Time is the best healer.” The model turned businessman is today immersed in his work and is bares all about his failed marriage, but Geeta on the other hand feels she still isn’t comfortable discussing the relationship.

The outcome of a divorce is often two embittered individuals who simply can’t stand the sight of each other. But this needn’t always be the case. Couples who have split after a brief marriage find it easier to overcome the pain and the hurt and remain friends or at least maintain a cordial relationship. As Gautam so succinctly puts it, “Life is too short to harbor ill-feelings.”

But the anger and hurt cannot be suppressed either and needs to be redirected to serve a constructive purpose. Sameer turned television actress Mahima says she used the anger to propel her to move on with her life. “The divorce took around a year and a half to come through and this was the toughest phase. I found myself battling over petty material possessions and property.” She continues, “It was all very upsetting. There was this constant bickering, ‘why should you have this, I bought it’. Not because I really wanted it but just to get back at him. I even used to have these nightmares of spotting him with a new wife. When he did eventually get married, I was surprisingly okay with it.”

She says, “After a month or two, I would often just burst out crying. It was like as if something had died and there was this mourning process I had to go through, where I found it difficult to even eat.” But it was only a matter of time before the mourning period came to an end and she found a new purpose in life, a raison d’etre. “I fell in love with ISKON – Hare Krishna Land. The experience was so divine. I now found the time to pursue my love for philosophy which was something I wanted to do since the age of 19.” Mahima is also grateful for the support of the parents who though traditional in their views stood by her through her divorce. “I come from a family where we believe marriage is for keeps. Divorce was not a done thing. Yet my parents have been so gracious and dignified. There was none of that ‘we told you so’ nor do they discus my marriage with others.”

Sheepishly the actress admits to even going through a phase when she was so emotionally vulnerable and attracted to anyone and everyone. “I would look at an Restaurent waiter and tell my friend ‘oh he’s so cute and so nice’.” Then suddenly on a serious note she adds, “I always knew Dilip and myself were not right for each other. We were just so different. He is so cool and chilled out and I am over hyper and very restless. I would constantly break up with him, but the attachment and attraction was so strong that after two days I’d go back to him. I glad we did get married else I would always have wondered what life would him would have been like. Now I know. While he was a very loving and attentive husband, there was no respect in the relationship – it was very immature.”

Like her ex-husband Mahima says men tend to move on quicker than women. If not emotionally at least physically. But Sameer begs to differ, “I can’t speak for all men, but I haven’t hastily jumped into another relationship. For me it has always been career first and that’s what I’m focusing on right now. I’m also very spiritual and that has helped keep me on track.”

Mahima advises, “You need to put your emotions on the back burner. If you feel you are better off without a particular person, stick by your decision. Be detached and very focused on what you want. Even if you are dating or married, spend time with your family and friends, go out with them on holidays, traveling or just shopping. There’s more to life than just being in a relationship. You don’t have to be together 24/7. By all means love to the fullest, but down let your partner own you. Sarha too seconds this view. “While it is important to give your partner his space, it is also equally essential to give yourself space.” Both women agree that is vital for a wife to be financially independent for their men to respect them. “If you can’t work outside the home because of the kids, work from the home itself. Take up tailoring or catering, something you are good at. When your man knows you have other options, you aren’t helpless and dependent he will think twice before taking you for granted or straying,” says Sarha.

But not all divorce related problems come with a simple solution. Take for example the case of Mahesh, an architect. He separated from his wife over four years ago, leaving behind an eight -year-old daughter in her custody. A year after their separation he moved in with Aditi, a public relations consultant and they have been living together ever since. The ride was a bumpy one and the arrival of their son only made matters worse. Mahesh confesses that the divorce was painful and further complicated his life. “I love my daughter very much and would like to spend more time with her. In fact, I would like to be a good father to both my children. Though the differences between me and my ex-wife were irreconcilable, I can’t help but feel like I have abandoned them and that there are times when they need me.”

Aditii too admits that the weekly custody visits leave her feeling insecure and threatened. “The thought that three of them are spending time together as a family is very disconcerting. I guess my insecurities stem from the fact that the two of us still haven’t married. Every time he goes to see Marina (his daughter), I am constantly plagued by doubts, ‘What if they patch up? What happens to me and my son? Sure I’m doing well and I can take care of the both of us. But doesn’t my son deserve a father? After Mahesh had split with his ex he was a shattered man. I helped him piece his life back together and now they seem to be getting along fine.” Obviously Mahesh and Aditi raise questions that seem impossible to answer and doubts difficult to quell. The two have issues that can be only done away with proper counseling and therapy sessions.

Whatever your experience of divorce may be, it is worth remembering that there is life after divorce. And it can be a blessing in disguise for it isn’t often that we get a chance to break clean and start over. As Sameer says, “Its all about progression, so don’t get disheartened.”

Some of the names have been changed on request.

Start a New Life and find a compatible match for yourself at www.re-marriage.com The No.1 Re-marriage Matrimonials Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.